Closing circles

"It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over."

The Zahir by Paulo Coelho

Blogging

Maybe I'm supposed to take a break from writing down my thoughts in 2009 and focus my attention elsewhere. Where? I have no idea. But it seems as if I've lost my motivation for taking note of what's going on around me. Maybe when the school year starts and I start to see less of my best friend as she goes off to school I'll have more to talk about. This summer's been about work.

Things I want to accomplish before 2009:

- clean room, throw out/give away old clothes, purses, stuffed animals

- find a job & get a taste of some kind of cash flow

- buy a Nikon (Nikon D60 08/01/09)

- learn how to do my own make-up: eye shadow & everything

- Gym membership

- be enrolled as a full time student

- receive nothing lower than a B in all classes

- buy another pair of Rainbows

- shopping: clothes, boots, shoes

- dedicate time to Paul James

- take dance classes

- Disneyland Deluxe Pass

- decorate the walls in my room

- develop pictures from my first year in College

- lose 14lbs

- find another job

- improve my picture taking ability

- keep up with HIMYM season5

- attend competitions, club events, fundraisers, etc

- change/decide on a major!!!

Breaking down

What would happen if I took down every wall I’ve ever managed to put up and start anew?

Something I’ve noticed about myself, is that I like pain. Plain and simple. I’ve slowly accustomed myself to learning the hard way. I think the struggle and the idea of “when is this going to be over” stimulates every section of my body. The pureness of being able to defeat the challenge, is what I strive for. The journey getting to where I envision to be is what keeps me going. I yearn for struggle, I long for heartache, I enjoy pain. Battle VICTORY wounds.

I can see this becoming a definite problem.

I realize that some things, well maybe most things in life are simple; that most times, the answers to our prayers are right in front of us but because we’re human, and because we believe that “nothing is that simple” we pass right by it Him day by day and do nothing but complain that God doesn’t listen to us, answer our prayers or even worse, love us.

Maybe is just that. Maybe I can’t fully get over the fact that someone would die for me; that someone would be willing to get stripped of clothing, beaten, tortured, whipped and even crowned with thorns in mockery for me. It really is too good to be true. Sometimes, I just don’t think I was worth all that pain…so I turn to personal tribulation and pain to try and even things out. No matter what, I don’t think I’ll be able to see exactly what He sees in me. Call me blind, call me ignorant, call me hard-headed because that’s exactly what I am. Every time I set foot in a church after being absent for months, I look at Him suffering, dying for me. All He really wants is my attention and I can’t even give Him that because I’m way too focused on trying to make ends meet — that some day I might suffer just as much as He did so that I won’t feel bad for being so worthless. All he wants is an hour of my day.. just one day out of the seven he gave us. Just ONE HOUR. And I can’t even give Him that. I want to struggle. I want heartbreak. I want disappointment. I want pain. I want to feel what He felt.

But I lay here, on my bed typing this when I should be sleeping and getting my rest for work tomorrow morning. I complain, I contemplate, I meditate — but nothing changes. I’m probably still going to do the same old things I’ve done. I probably won’t go to church with my family on Sunday because I just won’t feel like it. I probably will continue to search for the blocked roads that lead to who knows where. I’ll probably ignore every caution sign there is and just go straight for the gold.

God, I would ask you to help guide me in the right direction. But knowing You, You’ve probably been doing that all along and I’ve just been too stubborn to even recognize. However, this is my plea. I need to rid myself of all these walls I’ve managed to build up. I need to be able to trust people, to trust guys. I need to be able to open myself up and to stop hiding behind this “independent individual” mask that I’ve been wearing for years now. I need You.

I claim to enjoy the pain; but how am I supposed to even get close to feeling an inch of it when everything in me is blocked off with steel walls that reach up as high as the stars. The idea of taking them down is painful enough. Let alone actually getting enough strength to pull through with it. I need You. I want You. You are the answer to my opening question.You would love me & most importantly I would allow myself to let you love me… even though you clearly don’t need my permission. But that’s what’s so Awesome with You. People hate, people torture, people ignore, people turn away, but regardless… your love remains the same. How do you do it?

Amateur

"A father doesn't become a father until they hold their child for the first time." Well, this is my Baby, D60 and it didn't become real until I took him out of his box and bubble wrap. A wave of accomplishment rushed through my entire body and I stood there... proud. He brought hope and encouragement... that if I put my heart and mind into my dreams, goals, and priorities, it will some day come true. After all, this has been my dream for 2 1/2 years now.

Despite my first impressions of 2009, I've committed to myself a list of dreams I wanted to make reality. After hard work, stress and searching I've finally been able to make one of my dreams come true. That last paycheck before I purchase my own SLR camera. My money, my sweat, my work, my camera. And let me tell you, it feels so damn good.

+ camera

+ pay back parents

+ wii fit

+ disneyland pass from Costco

+ ipod adapter for car

+ sister's rollerblades/ipod

+ gym membership

+ learn how to put on make-up

+ shoes

+ buy stuff from Rooted

+ put $150/$140 away every week

+ another cousin dinner

+ sleep over somewhere & have a talk about extending my 11 o'clock curfew -_-

+ blackberry

+ change major

+ declare minor

+ medical terminology class; find another job

+ '09 -'10 school year = receive nothing lower than a B

this year is not even close to being over [:

Paulo Coelho - V.D.D.

“In a world where everyone struggles to survive whatever the cost, how could one judge those people who decide to die?”

God speaks to me through the books he puts in my hands. And I am forever grateful that This particular book has been placed in my possession. “I’m just a failed suicide.” -This simple sentence — I believed exemplified exactly how I’ve been feeling for a long time now. But as I typed out that sentence and thought about its meaning and its connection to my life, I can’t help but feel as if I wasn’t “just a failed suicide”. God blessed me with life so that I could live. In my many attempts and desires to make ends meet, I can’t help but feel as if I neither won the fight nor lost it. Although I have not finished reading this book, it manages to clarify and ease my every nerve. Not only does this book reconnect my relationship with myself, my heart and my mind, but it helps reconnect a lost line between me and God. “She hates the love she had been given because it had asked for nothing in return, which was absurd, unreal, against the laws of nature.”

It's official UPDATE

So to update on my last blog, the long awaited camera is only days away from officially being mine mine mine! :D


San Diego from Aug 5 to Aug 11.. made a deal with my parents and they agreed to pay the rest of the camera off since I really want to bring the camera on our vacation and I won't have enough money before then. Gonna pay them back full with my paycheck on the 19th of August. Hopefully, just buying them the wii fit would get me by [: But, a deal is a deal. Hopefully it isn't over 150 more that's needed. We'll see though ! :D


More payments for summer [in no particular order]:

+ camera
+ pay back parents
+ wii fit
+ disneyland pass from Costco
+ ipod adapter for car
+ sister's roller blades
+ books! books! books! *Any book suggestions?

It's official

It's official, I am holding off on my Disneyland Pass. I am saving my money and have made it a summer goal, although I might not be able to accomplish it during the summer, to buy my own Nikon SLR by September of this year. The latest to buy it would be the first week of October. This camera means more to me than a Disneyland pass. Unfortunately, I won't be able to join the many friends and extended family members while they take night trips to Disneyland or California Adventure. I guess for now, I'm content with a possible free two-fer ticket every month.. if/when permitted by my cousin. I'm just gonna stick to asking for a free ticket when birthdays and major events come up. It'll be okay. After I get my SLR the next item on my checklist will be that Delux pass [:

The camera's $550 without tax. So my aim is $600 by late September/early October. Im saving! saving! saving!

Oh, and word on the street has it, that there's a possible SD, SF, Yosemite vacation coming up the last weekend of August. And either a Hawaii/Alaska/Canada cruise trip July of next year. I'm excited! [:

Summer love on crutches <3

Summer has revealed itself once again and already there has been so much going on. My first job, grown up nieces, learned how to drive stick shift, family bonding, friends. My life at home has its ups and downs, its dull moments and its exciting moments and sometimes I just want to move right back out but nevertheless.. this is my home. And there really is not a better feeling than being surrounded by an endless amount of love, support, privacy and real food [:

So far, this summer I have accomplished the following:
+ getting my first job: Welcome to Swirleez, Self-served frozen yogurt [:
+ learned how to drive stick shift
+ watched Transformers 2
+ helped pay for gas
+ shopped
+ cleaned my entire closet ; 2 blck bags of clothes, 1 blck bag of purses, 4 trips to the garbage

Tressa Vi; 2 yrs old
she's growing up way too fast

because of this puzzle, i learned that I have no patience at all.
gotta separate the long piece from everything else -_-

TA DA!
and the injuries never stop..
back on these babies again <3
ohh, how i've missed my toned arms
crutch pair #2
it's all about that elevation, ya heard?

but I can always count on my dogs to keep me company [:

It's so sad, the front desk ER nurse at Kaiser already knows my face. I'm not going to lie though, having the top x-ray technician of Kaiser Bellflower as my Uncle has its benefits. So in conclusion, if I follow all instructions without hesitation I should be all healed and ready to go by this weekend. Otherwise, it'll take about 2 weeks to heal. But, knowing me... -___- the process has the potential to go who knows where. Seriously sucks especially since I had to call 2 days off of work this week.. on Thursday and Friday. I need to be better by Monday or else. And to add to all that work stuff -- my manager's re-doing the work schedule cause this other girl that works there complained and wanted more hours since she only works Saturdays and Sundays. Blah! Maybe. Just Maybe. if she'd do her job RIGHT, she would get those hours. Stupid girl.. doesn't know how to close properly...makes me have to get to work an hour and a half earlier just to prepare and clean up the store.

Ideal qualities

It was so slow at work today, I had time to think. And for some reason or another, I had the urge to write. I still do. Ideal qualities became the topic I chose.

I wanna meet someone whose awkward personality outshines
the clothes he wears and the shoes he owns.
Someone who can fulfill my every desire
and handle
my mind as it digs deeper
in search for a bigger meaning. Someone
who can touch
my heart and water
my every thought. Someone who never ceases
to educated and allows growth. Someone who understands
the purpose of life.
I wanna meet someone
strong
in qualities and
firm
in beliefs. I wanna meet someone whose words match and level up
to his actions. Someone who can adapt to his surroundings. I
wanna meet someone who makes mistakes
so that it can remind that I too am human and that no one is perfect.
I wanna meet someone who shows respect
to my body
and my mind. I wanna meet someone
Tall, dark, and flawed.
Tall enough so that I strive for higher and greater things.
Someone who can help me reach my goals. Dark, so that I get reminded
that the sun doesn't shine forever - that there will be hard times.
Flawed, so that I too may be able to
learn how to
accept, respect and love.
Flawed so that I am reminded that perfection
does not exist.
I wanna meet someone who understands
the concept of an unspoken conversation. Someone
whose eyes show truth
and whose voice shows comfort.

Music

During some of the hardest years of my life from 2001 to 2007, dealing with three close and difficult deaths, family separations, break-ups, bad decisions and all-in-all trying to find myself and who I want to be, I was always able to find that getaway everyone seems to need now and then. This getaway was through music. More specifically the music of the ever-so talented and inspirational Michael Jackson. Haven't been able to see Michael at his prime, I've learned, I've caught on, I've been educated, and most importantly... I've appreciated. I have always defined Music as the combination of both meaningful lyrics and good, heartfelt beats. And being fortunate enough, I was blessed to have been exposed to such a concept through the various songs of Michael Jackson, Brian McKnight, Luther Vandross, Lauryn Hill, Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, Tina Turner, Diana Ross, etc. However, it was through Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone" that I was able to get through any type of hardship. It is through Michael Jackson's "We Are The World" that reminds me that change begins from within. His unforgettable "ABC"'s will continue to be the default song I sing when alone. Michael brought watching Rush Hour to a whole different level. And I will forever remember the memories and good times "Rock With You" brought to my first real relationship. It is with the help of Michael Jackson that allowed me the opportunity to experience music at its finest. His legacy and music will definitely continue to educate the young and inspire all around. Rest In Peace Michael Jackson

This problem

I have this problem. My problem is that I don't see that many things worth saving. I'm talking about saving friendships. They aren't worth saving to me. I think I've just been stuck on this mentality where "people come, and people go." If a drift occurs, obviously it wasn't meant to be. If somewhere down the road our paths cross, so be it. I believe in meeting half way... yet, I'm not a big participant in trying to keep the flame from burning? If it dies, it dies. Does that contradict my whole.. 'meeting half way' thinking? I have two sides. One side of me can care too much. The other side of me can care less. There's no in between. I've met individuals who have inspired me and have created their own engraving on my heart yet.. I don't try and save that friendship when things start to part. Is that bad? Or is it that I just feel as if their part in my life, after the lesson is learned, is just over? People come and people go - both instances are blessings. So if both instances are blessing - then one is not more important than the other. Right? In that case, is it bad to see friendships not worth saving? It's sad to watch myself type out all my thoughts and to see how scattered my thinking is. But why are friendships not worth saving? It isn't that those people aren't important to me? Or that... I love them less than those I do still keep in touch with. Why does it hurt to feel friendships aren't worthy?

I drink because that's when I feel as if I can truly say what's on my mind without my insecurities. This is why I drink. I don't drink because it's fun, or it gives me something to do, or it passes time. I drink because sometimes, it's just difficult for me to say things to certain people. When I'm at that good level, everything I think becomes everything I say. However, I've managed to go against all odds. One person following this blog, knows exactly what I'm talking about. I fucked up. Actually, no. I didn't fuck up. Actually, wait. Yeah I did. [If you haven't noticed already, this blog isn't about backspacing. I think and I type.] Shit happens. and well, shit did happen. Lesson learned? Not sure if those are the right words. I learned that I am capable of what I thought was impossible. I learned that decisions are made to help you grow from mistakes. I learned how it feels to not be able to verbally say no. I think the biggest thing I've learned from the beginning of this year to now is how to dig a bigger and deeper hole and not be able to get out of it.


This is my life. Welcome.

Books

Books are what keeps this life still going even if there's no one around to make things better. Books are what help me find -- me. Books develop the mind and stimulate the heart. The lesson books encompass bring the two together. My body yearns for strong individuals. My mind digs deep for intelligent beings. My heart soars in search for a compromising truth. Keeping my composer, I sit and read. I read the words of each page inhaling every syllable as if it were my last chance to comprehend. I turn the pages only to discover that each turn contains a world of its own - a new lesson. Finally, I get to the last page, look at its page number and slowly close the book. Shutting my eyes as if the world around me can no longer see that I exist, I smile. The understanding that a book brings cannot shield my heart from pumping faster and faster. The blood rushing through my veins providing nothing but an adrenaline rush.. I sit there, smiling. Just me, the book and the lesson.


This is my book. And I can't wait until I finish the last chapter and inhale that last unifying lesson.

Training day

Today I trained from 12 to 4. I swear, time went by so freaking slowly. Although yogurt places such as Yogurtland, Pinkberry and my new job [not revealing the name just yet] seem like boring and 'you don't do anything' type of jobs.. there's a lot more that goes into it than meets the eye. I never knew what having a job was like or how tiring it may be to be on your feet for 4+ hours nonstop with always having something to do. Ranging from washing dishes to refilling/cutting fruits to even sweeping/hosing walkways that go around the whole lot TO EVEN going around to each neighboring store giving out free samples... by the end of training my mind and my back were aching like no other. Maybe I can put my 3 pain killers for my back injury to use again! Yay! Drugs! Right after work, I decided to take side street all the way home. Never again -__-" Got home, collapsed on a bed for 5 minutes, changed clothes then headed straight to church for the first time since March! or... whenever Ash Wednesday was. -___- Unfortunately, my body was present while my mind went off dreaming on my dad's shoulder. Right after church the plan was to go home and sleep before heading out to watch a movie with Ate and my parents. Too bad my time that was meant for napping went straight to Restaurant City. That's an even bigger -_________-" Next thing you know, we're headed off to watch Angels and Demons. Good movie! ... if I never read the book before. But... I have read the book annnd... it became an alright movie. I always have a problem with books becoming movies. It puts someone else's vision to your imagination. They did manage to change the original story... but what movie that was once a book doesn't do that? Rarely does the original intention stay true to its author if not ever. On the other hand, Angels and Demons is a pretty good movie considering the circumstances. Ate and I couldn't help but bash on the scenes we thought were important in the book that we didn't see in the movie.. but that's just us I guess.

Searching

Maybe I'm trying too hard to find what I want to be missing.


Looking into the distance, surrounding myself with endless possibilities and a horizon awaiting my conquer, I stand. I stand with my feet planted deep into the sand searching for destiny. Stagnant, I see my dreams on the surface of the water surrounding my feet, I see my goals floating on each cloud. As I try to extend my hand, it seems as if those goals and aspiration fly further and further away from my reach. I run towards the clouds that grow smaller and smaller as it makes its way in the distance, but I continue to run not allowing myself to be taken by the current. The fight for something never seemed so difficult to overcome. Tired and weak, I find myself head deep into the ocean - feet no longer touching sand.



...Luckily, I know how to swim [:

I'm officially done with my first year of my college career. Damn, does this go by fast! Where did all the time go? On the other hand, I'm happy to say that I'm proud of how I lived this past school year. Digging deeper holes and finding a number of awkward escapes never seemed so exciting. I'm privileged to have met the all the beautiful and intellectual minds Cal Poly has to offer to me. I feel so blessed to be able to utilize and share my thoughts and feelings with those who have complete different perspectives and from there expose myself to a world that lives beyond my years and exceeds my every expectations. I've been surrounded by people who never cease to educate and minds who never stop to wonder. And for that, I will forever be in debt. So thank you. Thank you to all those who I've had the opportunity to meet and get to know; each one of you have opened a new door and have introduced new characters to yet another chapter in my life. Regardless if you and I lose contact with one another or God forbid, something else happens and I haven't gotten to personally say this to you - you've changed my life and a piece of my heart will always be with you.

This summer is going to be different. Employed, independent, and wiser - the world awaits. I'm going to miss everyone and I'm going to try my best to make sure my time is spent with you. But as we know, time waits for no one and all we could do is live. So for starting off the summer season, everyone have fun, get dark, get drank, get that cash, study those books, meet those people, be responsible, find yourselves and remember that I'm always just one call, one comment, one email, one aim, one visit away [:

Back to

..square one.


I found the paradise I've always dreamt of. I found the happy place I was most comfortable being in. After going in circles, encountering deep ditches and mixed up signs I finally found the place inside of me where I knew I should always be. ...And then I lost it. I lost my mind. I lost any kind of feeling. I lost my reasonable side. I became numb.

You encounter Experience with the ultimate goal of defeating the challenge and growing from the lesson. That Experience can either make you or break you. ...And lately, I've been letting it break me all together. I've taken a different route, I've made some ground breaking decisions and I've come to the conclusion that I am no longer in that paradise I've longed to be in. Now... I'm back to square one. But it isn't the same square one as before. It's different. Unfamiliar to the naked eye -- it seeks and kills. I'm back at the beginning not knowing where to start. If only it were easier to know exactly where to start, maybe this whole "finding yourself" ordeal wouldn't have to be so damn difficult. But what in life is easy? Nothing. I know. It's knowing where to start that kills me inside. It's the reason why I'm left standing here. Stagnant and isolated from my own mind, emotions run indifferent carrying with it nothing but an empty and life-less body. Confused and unhappy, making careless and immature decisions to fulfill temporary satisfaction never was so easily achieved until now.

"Why you gotta judge?"
-"Because it's easy."

One of the best come-backs I've heard so far, I must admit. Judge me. I have no problem with it. Show me what I really am. Tell me who you think I'm becoming. Raise the bar of expectation. Lower the bar of expectation. You have the ability to do whatever. But all I ask of you is to not compare me to the person I was. People change. People grow. People learn. Some just take a little longer to realize truth. And others, well others need that extra time to search for their lost keys. I've grown to learn that nothing in life is consistent. Survival of the Fittest -- it's an amazing concept that should be recognized throughout the study of life. I'm at that downward spiral staircase in life where the negative side of curiosity presents itself. Choosing not to take the hand of others who reach out, I feel as though this battle with myself is a challenge that requires only two players.

So forgive me if I come up short and fail to reach the bare minimum. Realize that this is who I am now and depending ultimately on you... choose to stay or choose to leave. I would understand if you left, I honestly wouldn't have a problem. Not saying that you aren't anything to me or that you haven't contributed greatly in the happiness I once enjoyed so freely, it's just... right now, call me selfish but right now it's all about me. As conceited and as self centered as that may sound I need to concentrate on my own development. I need to concentrate on where I need to be. I need to focus my attention and energy in getting that foot to move at least one step forward.

What

What happened to me?

Past vs. Present

This woman was speeding to her parents house and on the way got pulled over. When the police office got to the window he said, "I've been waiting for you." The woman's response, "I know Officer, I got here as fast as I can."

People nowadays seemed to be so focused on being with a significant other. Lately, the need for that someone has been raising the charts. The more you focus your time looking for someone to simply hold the title of a 'boyfriend' or a 'girlfriend' and to fulfill the, excuse my lack of a better word but, 'duties', the more you lose sight of what's right in front of you. Let's all go speed limit --- so we won't have to pay the fee.


With all this talk about boyfriend and someone to have, I can't help but hide the fact that I deep down want that too. Yet, I end up finding myself resorting to the same thinking I want to get away from -- the idea that guys are all the same, wanting the same thing. I know it's bad to generalize the species but I'm sorry.. My surroundings tell me differently. I hate thinking the way that I do. She managed to resurrect the past, the old me, the strong me, the real me. I don't even think she knows it. That simple fact. That simple example of the ideal person I've always wanted to be -- she reminded me. So why am I still fighting? The curiosity level disappeared and I came to terms with reality. I'm convincing myself that they aren't all the same, that they don't all want just one thing. I gave you a chance to prove to me that you respected me. It was just a lie. I was testing myself to see how much respect I had. And I failed to meet the standard.

Can I just say, that it absolutely makes me sad how you silently agreed to to never speak to me again? What happened to the promise that no matter what we'd still be friends? Friends talk to each other. And promises are meant to be kept. It really freaking hurts to be seen as nothing. The mere thought of being a memory you never want to look back on. I guess I have to snap back to reality. People come and people go. You chose to leave so obviously I was someone worth losing. Sweet. There's no point in trying to meet you half way when you've already given up.

Wet clothes

Blogging while I'm waiting for my wet clothes to dry. Already late for dinner with the cousins at 7 in Brea. Woo traffic & my ongoing procrastination.

This week has been busy. I think this is the most time I've ever spent with my Ate. Monday through Friday. 3/5 I slept over. 1/5 got drank. 5/5 bonded, major. I like it, it was fun. Not to mention that it wasn't just Ate that was I was hanging out with.. Mark was there too! [: Too bad B was missing!

Anyway, I finally got to say what's been on my mind for months now and I'm not gonna lie... it feels like a big burden has been lifted and I can't be any more thankful for the fact that I have individuals in my life that I can trust and be opened with.. it truly is amazing. It makes you realize that, as much as you may feel that no one understands and no one ever will, there are people out there reaching their hand out to help. You truly aren't alone.

Separated

Separated. My hands from my life. My mind from reality. Two distinct worlds clash day by day without control. Two ideas, two minds, two sides, One heart, One God. LET GO AND LET GOD. Oh how difficult it is to release the idea of control. Yet, it is a vital necessity to withhold. in order to continue, accepting less control serves a wider range of possibilities for it allows those possibilities to come true blending itself together with reality. Living is difficult but not impossible. Realizing I don't always have control over what happens, I'm slowly but surely learning how to live with life's ongoing consequences. Age does not define wisdom. Experience defines wisdom. Finding myself in the shadows of the day... I will succeed. Slapped with the truth, I cannot hide; I cannot deny. My own mistakes - I learn how to deal.

What do you do when the most precious gift you can ever receive loses its meaning? Slowly, I'm beginning to realize that my perspective on certain beautys in the world are being tainted... only because I allow it to be tainted. Is it because I've grown accustomed to a certain level that has been achieved numerous times, that when the standards aren't being met -- it gives off a bad impression? I'm trying to broaden my view of life and what it has to offer to me. I'm fighting with myself to hold the same views I used to have just a few monhs ago. I'm fighting with myself to hold back from becoming someone I know I never wanted to be. Should I allow myself and allow life occur? Should I flow with reality and where it takes me? Should I stop fighting and start accepting who I become? So many things contradict. My mind wanders on its own, it ventures where it wants. Am I concentrating too much on the fight? Is fighting my distraction? It's this mind game that I can't seem to stop playing. This mind game with myself. You slapped the truth in my face. And I'm secretly fighting back. THat single statement was the ultimate blow. Fighting. Fighting - coming face to face with the truth you thought you kept so tightly in -- you found my weakness and took advantage of it. Time does not permit. It does not allow. Experience is made to break or make.

Separation from world is what I long for. Just a few hours to get away and to release the negative I hold in so deeply. I feel free yet so restricted. Restricted of the conversations. Restricted of the feelings. It's difficult to be open now.. it's weird.

Meet new people. Indulge myself in deeper and healthier conversation. Refresh my mind and find a reason to believe. Someone restore my faith..

Reflection

The past few days have been a nonstop roller coaster of emotions. I'm happy then I'm not. I'm excited then something comes up. I'm angry then I'm sad. I think I'm okay then the image of my Uncle comes to mind. I'm satisfied then I'm indifferent. I remember when I used to just be happy. Just happy. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

But here I am, celebrating my last full day of being 18. The perfect age. [at least, so far] The age where you can be seen as BOTH young and old. It's like, when do you get the chance to feel both emotions at the same time? Call me naiive but that's how I feel. Tomorrow marks a lot of things. Tomorrow marks another full year alive. Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my first car accident. Tomorrow -- at 3:16PM... I will be born again.

Especially right now, I know I'm probably not showing any sign of appreciation whatsoever towards my family or my friends and I just want to personally apologize for it. Despite my bipolar emotions, I can't image not being able to share every day with the people I love the most. Thank You doesn't seem to be enough.

Let's reflect on what it is I did in 2008 & after I turned 18:
-March 5 - drove to school for the first time
-March 6 - first mission of many to DBT
-March 17 - busted my first mission to Huntington Beach with Genie and Natalie only to get stuck in mad traffic on the way back
-Spring Break - driving galore
-Seafood City and Spread
-IB exams
-Prom
-"fuckit" mode
-Nyl
-Jordan's graduation party
-Senior week
-Senior vs. Faculty => VICTORY TO SENIORS
-Tom's house
-Hookah sessions
-Angel Dj Ike -___-" bahhaha
-Angel's house
-Senior Luau
-Baccalaureate Mass
-Gradnight @ Disneyland!!!!
-staying awake for 40 hours straight into..
-..GRADUATION! [:
-DEBUT !!!!!
-First car accident
-Eve paws
-Reading a total of 5 books in a span of 3 months [:
-telling Nyl what I really thought of him
-named my Landcruiser, Dwayne
-The Hills
-acceptance into Cal Poly
-Orientation / Poly Nights
-Natalie's going away BBQ
-Move into the dorms
-Presidential Election
-4 physical injuries because of reckless drinking: ear, lower back, chest, head
-6 shots in 20 minutes ];
-Threw up 3x : Phi Tau House, DC House [first time being there], DC [Ate's 21st]
-walking on the moon
-Fraternity parties
-that freshman 500 ];
-Auditioning the first time for BARKADA MODERN
-waiting until 330 to get a call from Jackie saying I made the team!!!
-not sleeping because I wanted to wait -- going straight to Friendship games
-Friendship games = fainting -__-" ambulance - bill: $300
-straight from Friendship games to first B.Mod social
-Knott's Scary Farm with BMod
-Hookah bar with Bryon, Gigz, Sam and Manucal [:
-Bmod practices... and outtings
-Halloween Parties, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner, Joe's Sushi, Denny's, In-n-out, McDonalds Albertos, Guppies, Rooted
-first ever performance: Arcadia Charity Show
-Prelude, WOD
-Winter Retreat
-Ash Wednesday... ahhaha
-Riverside with Natalie
-Heist 2x, LVL3 going on 2x
-PACN "Ikaw Pa Rin"
-Barkada
-"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK !"
-Cool Car <3
-Fantastic Family
-Fantastic family dinner bahahah karl hahahahah
-Phil and Lil

Now is the time to celebrate Birthdays and my last month ever at the dorms! Next year = moving back home = lock down. ]; Hopefully not, but most likely..


LET'S DO THIS RIGHT, ZUGEY! bahahahah

MAY

It's May and I'm not as excited as I was a day ago..




I'm starting to do exactly what my sister is doing and I fucking hate that. I hate how she turns down family for friends. I hate how she can try and manipulate an outing or situation to fit her schedule. I hate how it seems as if she cares more about her friends than her family. And I fucking hate how I know I'm starting to do those exact same things..


BOO for the first negative of May..



...and then there's my uncle who has been in the ICU since last Monday. He can't breathe on his own and has two daughters - one my age and the other an upcoming sophomore in high school. I saw him for the first time since I heard the news and I had to fight back the tears. Please pray for him and the family... we really need it

Angels and Demons

After 4 and half hours of nonstop reading and no interruptions I was finally able to finish reading the book I started 5 weeks ago. Dan Brown's Angels and Demons is epic. Not only did it attract my curiosity starting from page one, but it also managed to keep me on the edge throughout the entire book. Adding commentary of my own, I found myself screaming, laughing, smiling and gasping for air while reading page after page. Well detailed and full of excitement, Angels and Demons surpassed my every expectation. Dan Brown managed to articulate his words to express ideas, thoughts and feelings I never knew how to. He challenged reason and tested faith and revived the presence of God and the church into my life. Although lengthy, Angels and Demons has become one of my favorite books and is definitely a book you should read. It didn't just teach me more about sciences and the church but it taught me how to live; it broadened my understanding of life and it lit the path I should take.


I'm slowly moving away from that dead end.

Stagnant

The path I was taking since the new year started turned out to be a dead end. Just recently, I've noticed myself in the same position when I figured out it was a dead end. Shoot me. Actually, don't. haa but still ! College is such a challenge. Not just concerning school and grades and your academic future, but it's a fucking challenge trying to find out who you are and who you want to be. I have this image of myself a couple years from now, a week from now of how I'd turn out. But it's simply just an image. It isn't a dream, it isn't a goal, it's just an image. I imagine myself understanding life's concepts, understanding the actions and thoughts of others and having compassion and love for those who hurt me. I imagine myself sharing with not just you guys, but everyone I meet the love that I know I'm capable of expressing. I imagine myself in a world where judgment doesn't reside in the eyes of every person you come across. I imagine myself in a place where the positives out ride the negatives.

But this is reality. Discovering a new flaw every day only brings more questions. Have I always been like this? Why haven't I noticed this before? Why is this bothering me now? I don't understand. I live in a world where you have to fight to stay alive.

I'm standing at this dead end and I'm not moving... at least not yet. Standing here, staring at the wall that lays in front of me, I can't help but reevaluate every aspect that makes me, me. Standing here, I've learned that by the end of the day, it's all about you. As an individual, I've learned to be independent. I've learned that if living isn't enough motivation to keep going, what is? Cherishing a person's company and appreciating their presence in your life is something I've managed to let slip away. It scares me to be informed about all the deaths occurring in only one month. It's scares me but keeps me wondering... who's next? Me? You? Someone you've only met once? Someone you've had a class with an entire quarter or semester but never spoke a word to? Death is a beautiful thing. And so is living.

I don't know how many of you know this and I'm not trying to raise up any more concern, or pity, or anything like that. And I'm definitely not trying to scare any of you. Trust me on this. But I'm not sure if I've told you that I was a suicidal since 8th grade. There have been a couple of instances where I've contemplated 7 out of 7 days of the week and sometimes it's gotten to that point. Don't worry. Don't trip. I'm not a fan of cutting. Not down with the slow pain and the blood and what have you. You can even check me. [: By the start of 2008, that was the veryyy last thing on my mind and that number has dropped significantly. However, there have been instances in college where although it's maaad fun, partying, going out, handling school and whatnot, that have risen that number to the max... of 5-6 out of 7. But there's a reason why I'm still here, still living. It truly is a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and see a new day.

So it got me thinking,
...maybe standing at this dead end isn't such a bad thing after all...

Fourth week

It's already the middle of the fourth week of Spring Quarter. It's the last quarter of my first year in college. I've got 5 more weeks living on my own.. then, it's back to living at home. -_- Lockdown central here I come! Those late night adventures, sleep overs, crazy DC/ Bmod/ Barkada outings no longer! ]; Wah. haah a;sldkj it's okay, I'm trying to look at all the positive sides.. like home-cooked food, my OWN ROOM, a CLEAN bathroom, a car, shelter that doesn't cost anything to live in... you know, some of the things I've managed to take advantage of the last 18 years of my life. Don't get me wrong, I love the freedom "living on your own" has to offer, but sometimes I guess it's just the comfort of a home, your own bed and that home-cooked food that I've missed for awhile now. I know I go home almost every week now, but I can tell my parents miss me and maybe this whole moving-back-home ordeal won't be as bad as I think it will be.

I feel so stagnant.

Who ever knew ranch and salsa would go pretty amazing with a salad? I sure didn't..

Upside to the downer...
I saw my best friend today!!!!! I'm lame and I officially was not awesome for the last two or so weeks. The end. But... my week is lookin up and I'll be rockin that awesome pin in no time. [: Yayy for best friends. I'm so glad I'm the crippled ugly duckling who can't sing. AGH.

Life is looking pretty awesome...
oh and I love Zugey! kbye.

Four years

fourrrrr yearsssssssss todayy!


ohh, how things have changed. sucks that there's walls. wooo for becoming one of thee most insignificant things in each others lives! *note sarcasm. hahaha and to think.. we'd still be friends.

oh well.
FUUUUUUUCK ITTTT!!!!

Getaway

Take me away. Take me to a place where judgment doesn't reside in the eyes of everyone you meet. Take me to a place where death isn't a surprise. Take me to a place where lost hope can be found. Take me to a place where living is bearable. Take me to a place where love can be found everywhere. Take me to a place called home. Take me to a place where I belong.

It's hard to accept the fact that you have to find yourself... again after being to certain that this is where you belong. It's hard to accept the fact that you were happy and now you're not. Finding yourself again shouldn't be too difficult, right? After all, you found yourself before. But what if you don't know where to start?

No matter what I try to do, nothing really seems to work. It's as if that split second, that one car ride, that one conversation ends in a quick minute. I've continuously remind myself that happiness can be achieved, that if I want to be happy again, I could be. And then, followed by that reminder is the contradicting side of me. The side that seems to be gaining control and taking advantage of my vulnerability. The side that blocks the path with that yellow caution tape.

Remember when our conversations would consist more than a "Hey!" and a "How are you?" Remember when a two minute drive would seem like two hours? Remember when we didn't have to say things like "I miss you" or "Where have you been all my life?" because we would see each other every day and not once a week.. if that.? Remember when you knew everything about my life, and I would know everything about yours? Remember when we first met? Remember when our plans would actually go through? Remember when you could tell when somethings wrong with me without me saying a word? Remember our unspoken conversations? I remember whenever I saw you, the only thing I would be is happy. And now... whenever I see you.. well, let's just say.. it isn't the same feeling. I guess I'll just continue our new routine. I just miss this.

Oh college...

...what a challenge you are.



Let's say.. it's all about me now

Living

It's one of those times where living just seems useless.

Good things end

...so that better things can their spot. It's that chance that everyone is hesitant to take. It's that chance that can either break you or make you. It's that chance that no one really wants. It's that chance that requires waiting. Normally it's not too appealing to those who are impatient with life. But it's that chance everyone should take. I don't know how this topic became the center of my blog, but I feel like I've sacrificed a number of what I thought were amaaazing things in my life. And now.. it's that time that I've always dreaded... it's time to Wait. It's that time to Wait and NOT be oblivious to life as it passes you by. Again, no one knows. And no one ever will. Words can't describe and no matter what you do, your actions will always be misinterpreted.

I was awarded for all those years of unhappiness, with one of the greatest years of my life. Thinking about where I came from reminds me of how far I can go now. You shouldn't have to wait to be happy. Happiness doesn't require waiting. Happiness has no expiration date. Why wait for something to happen if you have the ability to do it achieve yourself? I don't understand.

I'm not acting like I like you, I'm just trying to give you another chance to prove to me that you aren't annoying, that you aren't pulling that fake shit and using me. Giving you that benefit of the doubt type shit...

I'm getting tired of myself. I'm getting tired of hearing my complaints. I'm tired of hearing myself talk about how much you bother me. I'm tired of hearing myself complain about all the vos happening around the world. I'm tired of hearing about people dying. From now on... my only goal: ... is better left unsaid.

Life is amazing & time shouldn't be consumed with things, situations or people who get in the way of you enjoying a gift that can be taken from you at any moment.


Getting rid of everything that gets in the way of me being happy.
Part. II

1000

views?! Whaaat?? Aw, this makes me happy. [:


My classes this quarter are alright. Monday, Wednesday, Friday 1-330. And every other Thursday from 3-450. Blah..!

So, last night was a reality check for me. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be said in an insulting way, but it might as well have been. Talk about mood killer. I know I shouldn't have gone. But whatever. I'm glad I did because now I know. On a positive note, going back made me feel A LOT better.

It's Zugey's birthdayyy!!!!!! and it was Jay's yesterday!!!!!! Wooo for April babies!

Birthday's in less than a month. I can't believe it's been almost a year since my "debut". But I'm seriously not feeling the whole... lets get older idea.

Ha okay, so my teacher just called on me to voice my opinion and the first thing I said was, "Uh. I don't know." BAHHAH Then I pulled shit out of my ass. haha okay. enough of this.

2 out of the 7

The number rose up one.

The past few weeks have seriously worked me. It's drained my mind, my body, my soul, my heart, every inch of every part... drained. I get better... and then I get worse. I get better... and then I get worse. It's like a freaking roller-coaster I don't want to ride. It's like I'm still a part of the team but I'm not. Barkada Modern killed it out there tonight at World of Dance. I honestly couldn't have been more proud of each and every individual than I was tonight. They brought it all... the energy, the swagger, the drive and the heart. Tonight, Bmod raised their own bar, the own expectations. And.. come Fusion and Ultimate Brawl and all the other performances lined up... best believe BMOD WILL WORK.


I love them so much that it hurts that I can't be dancing with them. Sometimes, I just wish it didn't have to happen to me. I stood on that stage tonight - speechless. I felt the floor, I look up at where the crowd would be, I felt the rush of being backstage.. fuck. I just wish I could dance. Honestly, it killed the rest of my night. And I allowed it. I just wanna fucking dance. I want my back to heal. I want my parent's support. I want the money it takes. I want school to manage on its own. I want that extra time to study. I want that extra time to hang out with friends. I want that time to sleep. I want that time to able to just sit and read. I want all these things. But I know that for damn sure you can't always get what you want. Sacrifice is always a price. Being on that stage made me realize what I know I'm missing.

Donald Cristobal

Best friends established in 2004.
I miss him a lot.
I love you, Don!

Spring

Spring time aint the time to get sprung.
over it.




My favorite season. My time to shine. My court. My rules. My game.


Dear 2009,
You gave me no clues, no rules, no map. You've left it up to me to discover what you truly have hidden. You've thrown in contradicting signs and you've masked potholes. But nothing, nothing will stop me. 2008 taught me well. I can only become stronger & wiser. Consequence is no coincidence. I am an independent individual who strives for nothing but the best. 2009. You've began your challenges. And I'm ready to fight until the end. Do or die - I will claim victory. No matter what. Bring people in, take people out - my goal is overcoming my insecurities. I will not stray away.



2009, bring it. I dare you.



-Kathleen

Rest in heaven

To a life cut short of living...

How is it possible that I could be effected as much as I am to a person that I've never even met only heard stories of? Is it because we're family? Is it because we share the same blood? Is it because that same family lost their father, my uncle, only this past December? Is it because he was the youngest of four and the only boy? Or is it because he was only two months younger than me? Or maybe... maybe it's because there was alcohol involved. Or it could be because I hate seeing Grandma cry. --- Slammed onto a cemented wall, the van was completely totaled. Smashed between a wall and the rest of the van, it took 3 hours to get him out. He spent another 3 days in Intensive Care struggling to breathe through the all the tubes injected into his flesh. Damaging his small intestines, paralyzed from the waist down and God only knows what else - he was taken. Taken away from family and friends.. but reuniting with those who past away before. I remember Kuya DJ mentioning that we should meet our cousin, Dave or David 'cause he was pretty cool - funny & has that Robeniol humor in him. ... and because he was my age. One of the few cousins around my age.

"I'm gonna go home now."
"How are you getting home?"
"I'm driving."
"You aren't driving."
"No, Kat. I'm fine. Trust me."

I've had this exact conversation a good 7 times, maybe even more. I've never told anyone this, but it's one of the things I Hate most. I rarely use the word Hate simply because of how much strength it carries with it. But this is probably makes top 5. [if there is even 5 things. I'm not gonna spend time on that.] David's death only gives me another reason to continue believing what I believe. How are you gonna tell me that you're driving home when you and I were claiming we were drunk only 15 minutes before.? How are you gonna tell me that you're driving home when only an hour before I see a drink in your hand? If you want to increase your chances of dying because of reckless decision making REGARDLESS of the distance you have to travel, so be it. But don't say "Bye" to me & give me a hug or a kiss on the cheek and expect me to not say anything to you. I hate it and I hope you never forget that.

Two MONTHS younger.
And the only time I'd ever get to meet him is when I die.

Rest In Heaven, Cousin. Watch over the rest of us - especially all the younger ones. Your life will be treasured & remembered always. Tell everyone up there I say Hi & that I miss them. I'll see you soon... I love you

Lil Wayne says...

If you leave, you leave the best
so you would have to settle for less.

Keep your mouth closed and let your eyes listen.

I'm the one who has to die when it comes time for me to die
so let me live my life the way I want to.

I know you prolly wish you never met me
but I just hope you never forget me.

I listen to her heartbeat
cause it plays my favorite song.

& I swear to everything when I leave this earth,
it's gonna be on both feet never knees in the dirt.

You think you fresh shyyyt; -- I'm ripee.

There aint nothin' gon stop me so just envy it.

Take them shoes off your teeth
&& stop runnin' your mouth!

I don't want a broken heart; cause I'll lose all the pieces.

You can love me or hate me,
I swear it won't make me or break me.

I'm not hot, I'm great.

Got more ice than a super sized drink


-------

Whoever says Lil Wayne is whack must be mistaken. Homeboy's a genius, freal. Some of these quotes are favorite-d purely for entertainment purposes and others are 'cause it truly is deep shit.

More than just a hair cut

After 6 amazing years of long hair, I decided to finally accept change. This "change" is a big deal to me. Some say that it's just a hair cut, but it means more to me than you'll ever know. My long hair was my only shield. My long hair was my lowkey defense mechanism. It protected me - every aspect of me. It was a part of me that also reminded me things were going to be okay. Auntie Gie had long hair. Auntie Connie had long hair. Full, vibrant & everything but ordinary. To me, cutting off my hair was a stepping stone. A new me, a stronger me. A girl who chose to stop being afraid of the world. A girl who now allows change into the life she lives. All of my insecurities were attached to those 10+ inches of my hair they cut off. But now, now I've decided to grow up. I've decided to live my life - this way. Having short hair opens up the opportunity to build my self esteem, to become a stronger, more independent individual, a girl who can stand up on her own two feet, make the right decisions & deal the consequences.

Not gonna lie though, it's HELLA weird having short hair. I practically have nothing to shampoo or condition anymore. No more use for a curling iron, only a straightner. And as for "doing my hair" - the only thing I know how to do with it, is put it in my pomp. -_- ahah hmph, time for experimenting I suppose? Ohhh this'll be interesting. [x Well, until next time ... Short hair, don't care.!

Rest in peace

to a life that showed nothing but a promising future only to be robbed and cut short of the chance to explore its horizons and expand its understanding of the complex feature we call living.



It doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation.
Watching who stays and who doesn't.




Taking a life never seemed so easy.
It's as if the robber just got robbed.

Life promise, broken.

"Things fall apart, only to come together in a different way."
Helpful words from one of my best friends.

"If I had it my way, I'd listen to music and think all day. Can't focus. Help me."
copyright: Danielle Jasmine [hellodeejae]


College. A place of polishing & redefining.
No matter where I go, no matter what I say, no matter what I do. Reality finds a door to break down.... and this weekend, it's managed to rip straight out of my hands one of the only things that kept me happy. It's managed to convince me to break one of the top promises I've kept for myself. It's bombarded my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and rapped every single aspect of who I thought I was. The worst part: it's skinned my entirety to reveal my insecurities. The best part: it reminded me of how weak I am.

I can't remember the last time it hurt to be this lost. Weak. Physicially. Mentally. Emotionally. Struggling to cope. And the only option left: accept reality. What the fuck is this!? Breaking & it isn't pretty. Low point = now. FML? Yes. Front? As always.



I just wish it didn't have to come down to this shit.

Half assed blogs

I need to stop half assing my blogs. There's a couple saved through drafts & an entire list of topics that do nothing but bombard my mind. I know "blogging" shouldn't be a priority to me on my long list of responsibilities, but I don't see it as blogging, I see it as an opportunity for me to breathe. It's one of the only things I know how to do right. It's one of the things I know how to do for myself. I love writing and I think it's one of the most original ways to express one's true thoughts and feelings.

I've been fortuneate enough to be going through a rough time. I love these times, as much as I may complain and wish it weren't happening to me, I'm secretly excited about having the chance to show my true colors and to show how much I've matured after each experience. [: Lucky for me, time has had no mercy. It's crunch time, finals week or rather... finals day, tomorrow.. Monday. I've gotta re-teach myself Stats chapters 7 through 9, do a study guide for Stats, rewrite 2 essays, write 1 essay, and write my final essay. Yummm... essays!! -__- bahaha and on top of that... practice. ... kinda.

Ugh, that's another thing! My back. It's improving, but... I can still feel it and it hurts whenever I make a wrong move. And let's just say... I've been finding out those wrong moves a lot lately. -_-

Self realization through Barkada Modern

This past weekend has really been an eye-opener and self realization. This past weekend I was able to share something that I've kept inside me for a majority of my life with the people I've been able to call my true genuine family - a family away from home. In fact, this family brings with them not a house but a home. It introduced me to different part of myself, one that is able to trust completely, one that isn't afraid of being judged by the experiences she goes through. My appreciation for each and every individual on the team whether they were present at the retreat or not has escalated to a level I didn't know existed. My respect for everyone is long lasting and will never cease to build stronger. I know I mentioned a few specific names when I was talking to the group and I want you to know that I meant every single word from the bottom of my heart to the top. Barkada Modern as a whole, you all saved my life. Thank you doesn't even seem to compare how much you all really and truly mean to me. That's why... when we were in our small groups and were asked the question to describe BMod in one word... the first word that came to my mind was life. Regardless if I make the team again during the Fall, being a part of this family has made my first year in college bearable and I will always love you all for that. From our very first social walking into a home we thought was Neil's to making memories at retreat, you all have a special place in my heart and I will never forget you.

Because of my recklessness this past weekend at retreat, I am now left with no other choice than to deal with the consequences. I fell. And now my lower back muscles are bruised and the pain just keeps getting worse. I tried ignoring it, but the pain flowed up and down my back and I seriously thought I did something to my spine. Luckily, they did x-rays and there was no damage to my spine. However, because the pain is so strong and my back muscles are bruised to its fullest, I was put on 3 different pain killers that put me to sleep like a baby. Thinking that the pain was enough for a consequence, the doctor comes into the room, gives the diagnosis and then further tells me that I should not be dancing or bending over for the next couple of weeks. I wanted to cry. I hated myself for being so reckless. Not being able to dance, KNOWING we have performances and competitions until the month of May. I mean, honestly I just got over the fact that I won't be able to participate with my team at the Vent Awards this weekend. THIS WOULD'VE BEEN MY FIRST PERFORMANCE WITH EVERYONE IN FRONT OF THE DANCE WORLD. ughh. I'm complaining now cause I know right after I let everything out, I'm just gonna have to deal with it and accept reality. Sweet life. -_x

Hell week day 5 was at the studio. After doing my homework and whatnot, the team asks everyone to watch and help clean. After I watched the first run through, I couldn't move. Frozen & speechless I stood there. Amazed. Amazed at how much this group of people grew. Amazed at this is my team, these are my teammates. I stood there and some of them saw. I wasn't the only one speechless. Jackie was too. And trust... it's pretty difficult to get Jackie to be speechless. Second run through came and it was brought to a completely different level. The energy, the vibe, the family... You can just tell from straight off the bat.. that you were performing FOR EACH OTHER. The love that was in the air, the passion that showed in each move, everything from the facials to adapting to each choreographer and their style... the whole package.. it was ALL there. I wish I could be there with you all tonight and tomorrow night when you show EVERYONE what Barkada Modern is about but unfortuneately there are things that get in the way of that. I really hope I get better reeal soon because Sportsfest isn't looking all to well either. But I'm praying each night that I get better ASAP to be able to perform with you guys at World of Dance, Fusion, Ultimate Brawl and all the other shows we have lined for up us.

...Or is it?... Maybe...

It was when I stopped hurting that I became happy. It was when the memory stopped reappearing that I became responsible. It was when the pain became bearable that I started to accept reality. It's only when I allow myself to be vulnerable to the mistakes of others that I become the person I never wanted to be. -- Free write -- When someone cheats, it isn't because the one being cheated on has done something wrong, it is because the one cheating is too scared and weak-minded to be able to say no. When one cheats, the obvious reasoning is that one is selfish. We don't make you cheat. You just don't know what you want. And so while you're on your way in figuring out what you want, we are the ones dealing with your consequences, your mistakes. It's a personal problem. -- When involved with someone, your worth and your value are always a concern. Do you deserve this? Do you deserve that? It's always a question. Was I just another girl to you? Did I make no impact? Did I leave no mark? You were nothing I ever had expected. You were nothing like him. You listened. You respected. You were considerate. You were honest. You understood. -or so I thought you did. Maybe you were just looking out for me. or Maybe you were just looking out for yourself. You thought it was best - but for whom? Me or You? It was a short amount of time and I don't know why I'm acting like this or feeling this way - but it is what it is. Right? You've been aware of the type of person I am since day 1. Don't tell me you didn't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because of the way I see you handling the situation [ if this is even considered a situation ]. It makes me feel like I was almost nothing. It makes me question my own worth, my own value. I thought I was worth everything you came with - but maybe it's just best that you left in the fashion that you did. It was a good ride. It was a good experience - one that I will definitely remember always. It taught me and showed me what else is out there. You opened a new door. You've allowed me to accept others. You've shown me that if just given a chance, one could prove you wrong. You've proven to me that good things DO happen to those who wait. You are my living evidence that... Sometimes, you don't need a rainbow to be lucky.

-----------------

Retreat in Big Bear is this weekend. Yay for a car full of AWESOME people! Wsup Manyoucall, Byronface, Jo2theflo, Ishnamedkarl & K_weeezy. We're awesome.
The end.

The storm is passing

Last week's downfall could only be attached with an amazing recovery. Let last week be last week. It's a new week and there's just so much I have to look forward to. The month of March brings a promising recovery... I can see it now. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it but after going to church after more than a month.. I can say that it actually helped me out. I stayed focused, limited my amount of A.D.D., paid attention to the sermon and completely gave myself to Him. All my burdens, all my sorrows, all the pain... was lifted up from my shoulders. Regardless of my major headache, dizziness, ugly cough and throwing up, I felt amazing. "Suicide? What's that?" Has been my attitude since. [: I couldn't have stayed stronger if it weren't for those who loved me, cared, and showed it. Thank You.

On a different note, we decided it was best to call everything off. Mutual decision in a way. [: I'm happy though.. the fish is back in the ocean and the boat is still at surface. I thought I'd be sad when we called everything off, but after talking to Genie and actually realizing that I wasn't, I started to think that maybe... things are just better off this way. It was good while it lasted but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. We're friends and I like it this way. I'm kinda looking at it in way where catching the fish became winning a prize. I see it as a reward for being good all of '08. I see it as if I deserved something AWESOME to happen to me after being treated like shit for long. Hahah it's good and honestly, it makes me REALLY HAPPY. I feel like I can figure things out now. ...Not saying that I couldn't before when we were talking. But now... now that I let that part of my life go.. I can continue to disregard everything and everyone that I feel won't bring me to my happy place. I'm not saying that I want all the negative out of my life.. cause with negative people bring positive experiences. It just depends on how you handle it. Yeah, it's gonna take energy you might not be willing to use but in the end... a negative will attract a positive. And my negative week will bring a positive one... but hopefully it isn't just one but many more positive weeks after that. I believe there's positive. I believe that I'll be completely happy again. It's possible. The storm is passing.

The broken compass

Blurred by my own vision, it's difficult to see. As I struggle to see the beauty I know is there, I can't help but feel my soul lost within itself. My mind, captivated by the sorrows and worries of my past, seem to be creeping up into my future. With my heart still attached to the pain you've put me through, I can't help but to feel as if it were an engraving which you have made that can never be undone. All in crayon, never to be erased. Just like that- you carved your mistake into my wooden heart, left there to always remind me of what can happen if I'm not careful. Yet, pain is an experience that one should always look forward to. Without pain, what is happiness? Without struggle, what is growth? Without disappointment, what is love? Without defeat, what is victory? Fighting until the end. I've allowed myself to be consumed by the thought of my past that it hinders the potential we both have within us. I've managed to build walls tall enough to block out the sunlight and strong enough that it seems even impossible for me to bring down. These walls corner me in; eventually all looking exactly the same impairing my ability to distinguish north from south, east from west, left from right. With my soul lost, my mind blurred and my heart blinded I continue to struggle. Doing this on my own - taking my life seems too easy. The thoughts race through my mind but I start to feel too selfish. Honestly. Don't worry about me. The responsibility lays solely on my shoulders and the burdens I choose to carry. The only thing I ask for, is for you not to feel responsible. This is a personal problem that I've dealt with before and all I want is for you to trust me completely. I might be weak but I'm strong enough to realize it isn't worth my life. I'm holding on. I'm hanging in there. I'm living for those who haven't left. I'm thankful for you and you and you and you and you. All of you have shown me that as lost as I may be... I know I have you guys there, watching over me. Don't think your presence is going unrecognized because quite frankly... I owe you my life, each and every one of you. Again.. don't worry. I'll be okay.. I'll find my strength eventually... just let me do this on my own. I'll find my way... even with this broken compass.

Struggling

Over a chain of events and fighting with myself to continue living day by day, I find myself struggling now, more than ever to stay happy. For a year and a half it was consistent. Negative feedback were seen as positive criticisms, bad influences were seen as experiences to help me grow and taking my life never crossed my mind. I've always told myself that the answer to an addiction was just to refocus your attention elsewhere. In my eyes, happiness was my addiction. It brought the good side of me out, the side I knew I had in me. But now, now things are becoming more difficult. I never imagined the day when I wouldn't be happy, where being happy required trying. It's hard 'cause I don't want people to see this side of me. I don't want to be angry. But at the same time, I can see myself changing. And the worst part... I'm not doing anything about it. It isn't that I want to change, but lately... I just can't seem to find the strength to take that next step. After being happy for so long, I found it impossible to be able to lose yourself. ...until now. I'm lost and I don't know where to go. I saw the disappointment in your eyes and I killed myself inside. I'm angry at the fact that history repeats itself. I'm angry at the fact that disappointment is worse than being upset. I'm angry at the fact that I have to struggle to be happy. I'm angry at the fact that I know you don't deserve this but I'm doing it anyway. I'm angry at the fact that all these emotions and feelings are coming up. But most especially, I'm angry at the fact that I don't know how to deal with this. It hurts me so much to see what you're doing. I thought I was over things, but apparently not. You've tainted my ENTIRE view and you don't even know it. Now I'm just scared.