Ideal qualities

It was so slow at work today, I had time to think. And for some reason or another, I had the urge to write. I still do. Ideal qualities became the topic I chose.

I wanna meet someone whose awkward personality outshines
the clothes he wears and the shoes he owns.
Someone who can fulfill my every desire
and handle
my mind as it digs deeper
in search for a bigger meaning. Someone
who can touch
my heart and water
my every thought. Someone who never ceases
to educated and allows growth. Someone who understands
the purpose of life.
I wanna meet someone
strong
in qualities and
firm
in beliefs. I wanna meet someone whose words match and level up
to his actions. Someone who can adapt to his surroundings. I
wanna meet someone who makes mistakes
so that it can remind that I too am human and that no one is perfect.
I wanna meet someone who shows respect
to my body
and my mind. I wanna meet someone
Tall, dark, and flawed.
Tall enough so that I strive for higher and greater things.
Someone who can help me reach my goals. Dark, so that I get reminded
that the sun doesn't shine forever - that there will be hard times.
Flawed, so that I too may be able to
learn how to
accept, respect and love.
Flawed so that I am reminded that perfection
does not exist.
I wanna meet someone who understands
the concept of an unspoken conversation. Someone
whose eyes show truth
and whose voice shows comfort.

Music

During some of the hardest years of my life from 2001 to 2007, dealing with three close and difficult deaths, family separations, break-ups, bad decisions and all-in-all trying to find myself and who I want to be, I was always able to find that getaway everyone seems to need now and then. This getaway was through music. More specifically the music of the ever-so talented and inspirational Michael Jackson. Haven't been able to see Michael at his prime, I've learned, I've caught on, I've been educated, and most importantly... I've appreciated. I have always defined Music as the combination of both meaningful lyrics and good, heartfelt beats. And being fortunate enough, I was blessed to have been exposed to such a concept through the various songs of Michael Jackson, Brian McKnight, Luther Vandross, Lauryn Hill, Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, Tina Turner, Diana Ross, etc. However, it was through Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone" that I was able to get through any type of hardship. It is through Michael Jackson's "We Are The World" that reminds me that change begins from within. His unforgettable "ABC"'s will continue to be the default song I sing when alone. Michael brought watching Rush Hour to a whole different level. And I will forever remember the memories and good times "Rock With You" brought to my first real relationship. It is with the help of Michael Jackson that allowed me the opportunity to experience music at its finest. His legacy and music will definitely continue to educate the young and inspire all around. Rest In Peace Michael Jackson

This problem

I have this problem. My problem is that I don't see that many things worth saving. I'm talking about saving friendships. They aren't worth saving to me. I think I've just been stuck on this mentality where "people come, and people go." If a drift occurs, obviously it wasn't meant to be. If somewhere down the road our paths cross, so be it. I believe in meeting half way... yet, I'm not a big participant in trying to keep the flame from burning? If it dies, it dies. Does that contradict my whole.. 'meeting half way' thinking? I have two sides. One side of me can care too much. The other side of me can care less. There's no in between. I've met individuals who have inspired me and have created their own engraving on my heart yet.. I don't try and save that friendship when things start to part. Is that bad? Or is it that I just feel as if their part in my life, after the lesson is learned, is just over? People come and people go - both instances are blessings. So if both instances are blessing - then one is not more important than the other. Right? In that case, is it bad to see friendships not worth saving? It's sad to watch myself type out all my thoughts and to see how scattered my thinking is. But why are friendships not worth saving? It isn't that those people aren't important to me? Or that... I love them less than those I do still keep in touch with. Why does it hurt to feel friendships aren't worthy?

I drink because that's when I feel as if I can truly say what's on my mind without my insecurities. This is why I drink. I don't drink because it's fun, or it gives me something to do, or it passes time. I drink because sometimes, it's just difficult for me to say things to certain people. When I'm at that good level, everything I think becomes everything I say. However, I've managed to go against all odds. One person following this blog, knows exactly what I'm talking about. I fucked up. Actually, no. I didn't fuck up. Actually, wait. Yeah I did. [If you haven't noticed already, this blog isn't about backspacing. I think and I type.] Shit happens. and well, shit did happen. Lesson learned? Not sure if those are the right words. I learned that I am capable of what I thought was impossible. I learned that decisions are made to help you grow from mistakes. I learned how it feels to not be able to verbally say no. I think the biggest thing I've learned from the beginning of this year to now is how to dig a bigger and deeper hole and not be able to get out of it.


This is my life. Welcome.

Books

Books are what keeps this life still going even if there's no one around to make things better. Books are what help me find -- me. Books develop the mind and stimulate the heart. The lesson books encompass bring the two together. My body yearns for strong individuals. My mind digs deep for intelligent beings. My heart soars in search for a compromising truth. Keeping my composer, I sit and read. I read the words of each page inhaling every syllable as if it were my last chance to comprehend. I turn the pages only to discover that each turn contains a world of its own - a new lesson. Finally, I get to the last page, look at its page number and slowly close the book. Shutting my eyes as if the world around me can no longer see that I exist, I smile. The understanding that a book brings cannot shield my heart from pumping faster and faster. The blood rushing through my veins providing nothing but an adrenaline rush.. I sit there, smiling. Just me, the book and the lesson.


This is my book. And I can't wait until I finish the last chapter and inhale that last unifying lesson.

Training day

Today I trained from 12 to 4. I swear, time went by so freaking slowly. Although yogurt places such as Yogurtland, Pinkberry and my new job [not revealing the name just yet] seem like boring and 'you don't do anything' type of jobs.. there's a lot more that goes into it than meets the eye. I never knew what having a job was like or how tiring it may be to be on your feet for 4+ hours nonstop with always having something to do. Ranging from washing dishes to refilling/cutting fruits to even sweeping/hosing walkways that go around the whole lot TO EVEN going around to each neighboring store giving out free samples... by the end of training my mind and my back were aching like no other. Maybe I can put my 3 pain killers for my back injury to use again! Yay! Drugs! Right after work, I decided to take side street all the way home. Never again -__-" Got home, collapsed on a bed for 5 minutes, changed clothes then headed straight to church for the first time since March! or... whenever Ash Wednesday was. -___- Unfortunately, my body was present while my mind went off dreaming on my dad's shoulder. Right after church the plan was to go home and sleep before heading out to watch a movie with Ate and my parents. Too bad my time that was meant for napping went straight to Restaurant City. That's an even bigger -_________-" Next thing you know, we're headed off to watch Angels and Demons. Good movie! ... if I never read the book before. But... I have read the book annnd... it became an alright movie. I always have a problem with books becoming movies. It puts someone else's vision to your imagination. They did manage to change the original story... but what movie that was once a book doesn't do that? Rarely does the original intention stay true to its author if not ever. On the other hand, Angels and Demons is a pretty good movie considering the circumstances. Ate and I couldn't help but bash on the scenes we thought were important in the book that we didn't see in the movie.. but that's just us I guess.

Searching

Maybe I'm trying too hard to find what I want to be missing.


Looking into the distance, surrounding myself with endless possibilities and a horizon awaiting my conquer, I stand. I stand with my feet planted deep into the sand searching for destiny. Stagnant, I see my dreams on the surface of the water surrounding my feet, I see my goals floating on each cloud. As I try to extend my hand, it seems as if those goals and aspiration fly further and further away from my reach. I run towards the clouds that grow smaller and smaller as it makes its way in the distance, but I continue to run not allowing myself to be taken by the current. The fight for something never seemed so difficult to overcome. Tired and weak, I find myself head deep into the ocean - feet no longer touching sand.



...Luckily, I know how to swim [:

I'm officially done with my first year of my college career. Damn, does this go by fast! Where did all the time go? On the other hand, I'm happy to say that I'm proud of how I lived this past school year. Digging deeper holes and finding a number of awkward escapes never seemed so exciting. I'm privileged to have met the all the beautiful and intellectual minds Cal Poly has to offer to me. I feel so blessed to be able to utilize and share my thoughts and feelings with those who have complete different perspectives and from there expose myself to a world that lives beyond my years and exceeds my every expectations. I've been surrounded by people who never cease to educate and minds who never stop to wonder. And for that, I will forever be in debt. So thank you. Thank you to all those who I've had the opportunity to meet and get to know; each one of you have opened a new door and have introduced new characters to yet another chapter in my life. Regardless if you and I lose contact with one another or God forbid, something else happens and I haven't gotten to personally say this to you - you've changed my life and a piece of my heart will always be with you.

This summer is going to be different. Employed, independent, and wiser - the world awaits. I'm going to miss everyone and I'm going to try my best to make sure my time is spent with you. But as we know, time waits for no one and all we could do is live. So for starting off the summer season, everyone have fun, get dark, get drank, get that cash, study those books, meet those people, be responsible, find yourselves and remember that I'm always just one call, one comment, one email, one aim, one visit away [: