Back to

..square one.


I found the paradise I've always dreamt of. I found the happy place I was most comfortable being in. After going in circles, encountering deep ditches and mixed up signs I finally found the place inside of me where I knew I should always be. ...And then I lost it. I lost my mind. I lost any kind of feeling. I lost my reasonable side. I became numb.

You encounter Experience with the ultimate goal of defeating the challenge and growing from the lesson. That Experience can either make you or break you. ...And lately, I've been letting it break me all together. I've taken a different route, I've made some ground breaking decisions and I've come to the conclusion that I am no longer in that paradise I've longed to be in. Now... I'm back to square one. But it isn't the same square one as before. It's different. Unfamiliar to the naked eye -- it seeks and kills. I'm back at the beginning not knowing where to start. If only it were easier to know exactly where to start, maybe this whole "finding yourself" ordeal wouldn't have to be so damn difficult. But what in life is easy? Nothing. I know. It's knowing where to start that kills me inside. It's the reason why I'm left standing here. Stagnant and isolated from my own mind, emotions run indifferent carrying with it nothing but an empty and life-less body. Confused and unhappy, making careless and immature decisions to fulfill temporary satisfaction never was so easily achieved until now.

"Why you gotta judge?"
-"Because it's easy."

One of the best come-backs I've heard so far, I must admit. Judge me. I have no problem with it. Show me what I really am. Tell me who you think I'm becoming. Raise the bar of expectation. Lower the bar of expectation. You have the ability to do whatever. But all I ask of you is to not compare me to the person I was. People change. People grow. People learn. Some just take a little longer to realize truth. And others, well others need that extra time to search for their lost keys. I've grown to learn that nothing in life is consistent. Survival of the Fittest -- it's an amazing concept that should be recognized throughout the study of life. I'm at that downward spiral staircase in life where the negative side of curiosity presents itself. Choosing not to take the hand of others who reach out, I feel as though this battle with myself is a challenge that requires only two players.

So forgive me if I come up short and fail to reach the bare minimum. Realize that this is who I am now and depending ultimately on you... choose to stay or choose to leave. I would understand if you left, I honestly wouldn't have a problem. Not saying that you aren't anything to me or that you haven't contributed greatly in the happiness I once enjoyed so freely, it's just... right now, call me selfish but right now it's all about me. As conceited and as self centered as that may sound I need to concentrate on my own development. I need to concentrate on where I need to be. I need to focus my attention and energy in getting that foot to move at least one step forward.

What

What happened to me?

Past vs. Present

This woman was speeding to her parents house and on the way got pulled over. When the police office got to the window he said, "I've been waiting for you." The woman's response, "I know Officer, I got here as fast as I can."

People nowadays seemed to be so focused on being with a significant other. Lately, the need for that someone has been raising the charts. The more you focus your time looking for someone to simply hold the title of a 'boyfriend' or a 'girlfriend' and to fulfill the, excuse my lack of a better word but, 'duties', the more you lose sight of what's right in front of you. Let's all go speed limit --- so we won't have to pay the fee.


With all this talk about boyfriend and someone to have, I can't help but hide the fact that I deep down want that too. Yet, I end up finding myself resorting to the same thinking I want to get away from -- the idea that guys are all the same, wanting the same thing. I know it's bad to generalize the species but I'm sorry.. My surroundings tell me differently. I hate thinking the way that I do. She managed to resurrect the past, the old me, the strong me, the real me. I don't even think she knows it. That simple fact. That simple example of the ideal person I've always wanted to be -- she reminded me. So why am I still fighting? The curiosity level disappeared and I came to terms with reality. I'm convincing myself that they aren't all the same, that they don't all want just one thing. I gave you a chance to prove to me that you respected me. It was just a lie. I was testing myself to see how much respect I had. And I failed to meet the standard.

Can I just say, that it absolutely makes me sad how you silently agreed to to never speak to me again? What happened to the promise that no matter what we'd still be friends? Friends talk to each other. And promises are meant to be kept. It really freaking hurts to be seen as nothing. The mere thought of being a memory you never want to look back on. I guess I have to snap back to reality. People come and people go. You chose to leave so obviously I was someone worth losing. Sweet. There's no point in trying to meet you half way when you've already given up.

Wet clothes

Blogging while I'm waiting for my wet clothes to dry. Already late for dinner with the cousins at 7 in Brea. Woo traffic & my ongoing procrastination.

This week has been busy. I think this is the most time I've ever spent with my Ate. Monday through Friday. 3/5 I slept over. 1/5 got drank. 5/5 bonded, major. I like it, it was fun. Not to mention that it wasn't just Ate that was I was hanging out with.. Mark was there too! [: Too bad B was missing!

Anyway, I finally got to say what's been on my mind for months now and I'm not gonna lie... it feels like a big burden has been lifted and I can't be any more thankful for the fact that I have individuals in my life that I can trust and be opened with.. it truly is amazing. It makes you realize that, as much as you may feel that no one understands and no one ever will, there are people out there reaching their hand out to help. You truly aren't alone.

Separated

Separated. My hands from my life. My mind from reality. Two distinct worlds clash day by day without control. Two ideas, two minds, two sides, One heart, One God. LET GO AND LET GOD. Oh how difficult it is to release the idea of control. Yet, it is a vital necessity to withhold. in order to continue, accepting less control serves a wider range of possibilities for it allows those possibilities to come true blending itself together with reality. Living is difficult but not impossible. Realizing I don't always have control over what happens, I'm slowly but surely learning how to live with life's ongoing consequences. Age does not define wisdom. Experience defines wisdom. Finding myself in the shadows of the day... I will succeed. Slapped with the truth, I cannot hide; I cannot deny. My own mistakes - I learn how to deal.

What do you do when the most precious gift you can ever receive loses its meaning? Slowly, I'm beginning to realize that my perspective on certain beautys in the world are being tainted... only because I allow it to be tainted. Is it because I've grown accustomed to a certain level that has been achieved numerous times, that when the standards aren't being met -- it gives off a bad impression? I'm trying to broaden my view of life and what it has to offer to me. I'm fighting with myself to hold the same views I used to have just a few monhs ago. I'm fighting with myself to hold back from becoming someone I know I never wanted to be. Should I allow myself and allow life occur? Should I flow with reality and where it takes me? Should I stop fighting and start accepting who I become? So many things contradict. My mind wanders on its own, it ventures where it wants. Am I concentrating too much on the fight? Is fighting my distraction? It's this mind game that I can't seem to stop playing. This mind game with myself. You slapped the truth in my face. And I'm secretly fighting back. THat single statement was the ultimate blow. Fighting. Fighting - coming face to face with the truth you thought you kept so tightly in -- you found my weakness and took advantage of it. Time does not permit. It does not allow. Experience is made to break or make.

Separation from world is what I long for. Just a few hours to get away and to release the negative I hold in so deeply. I feel free yet so restricted. Restricted of the conversations. Restricted of the feelings. It's difficult to be open now.. it's weird.

Meet new people. Indulge myself in deeper and healthier conversation. Refresh my mind and find a reason to believe. Someone restore my faith..

Reflection

The past few days have been a nonstop roller coaster of emotions. I'm happy then I'm not. I'm excited then something comes up. I'm angry then I'm sad. I think I'm okay then the image of my Uncle comes to mind. I'm satisfied then I'm indifferent. I remember when I used to just be happy. Just happy. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

But here I am, celebrating my last full day of being 18. The perfect age. [at least, so far] The age where you can be seen as BOTH young and old. It's like, when do you get the chance to feel both emotions at the same time? Call me naiive but that's how I feel. Tomorrow marks a lot of things. Tomorrow marks another full year alive. Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my first car accident. Tomorrow -- at 3:16PM... I will be born again.

Especially right now, I know I'm probably not showing any sign of appreciation whatsoever towards my family or my friends and I just want to personally apologize for it. Despite my bipolar emotions, I can't image not being able to share every day with the people I love the most. Thank You doesn't seem to be enough.

Let's reflect on what it is I did in 2008 & after I turned 18:
-March 5 - drove to school for the first time
-March 6 - first mission of many to DBT
-March 17 - busted my first mission to Huntington Beach with Genie and Natalie only to get stuck in mad traffic on the way back
-Spring Break - driving galore
-Seafood City and Spread
-IB exams
-Prom
-"fuckit" mode
-Nyl
-Jordan's graduation party
-Senior week
-Senior vs. Faculty => VICTORY TO SENIORS
-Tom's house
-Hookah sessions
-Angel Dj Ike -___-" bahhaha
-Angel's house
-Senior Luau
-Baccalaureate Mass
-Gradnight @ Disneyland!!!!
-staying awake for 40 hours straight into..
-..GRADUATION! [:
-DEBUT !!!!!
-First car accident
-Eve paws
-Reading a total of 5 books in a span of 3 months [:
-telling Nyl what I really thought of him
-named my Landcruiser, Dwayne
-The Hills
-acceptance into Cal Poly
-Orientation / Poly Nights
-Natalie's going away BBQ
-Move into the dorms
-Presidential Election
-4 physical injuries because of reckless drinking: ear, lower back, chest, head
-6 shots in 20 minutes ];
-Threw up 3x : Phi Tau House, DC House [first time being there], DC [Ate's 21st]
-walking on the moon
-Fraternity parties
-that freshman 500 ];
-Auditioning the first time for BARKADA MODERN
-waiting until 330 to get a call from Jackie saying I made the team!!!
-not sleeping because I wanted to wait -- going straight to Friendship games
-Friendship games = fainting -__-" ambulance - bill: $300
-straight from Friendship games to first B.Mod social
-Knott's Scary Farm with BMod
-Hookah bar with Bryon, Gigz, Sam and Manucal [:
-Bmod practices... and outtings
-Halloween Parties, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner, Joe's Sushi, Denny's, In-n-out, McDonalds Albertos, Guppies, Rooted
-first ever performance: Arcadia Charity Show
-Prelude, WOD
-Winter Retreat
-Ash Wednesday... ahhaha
-Riverside with Natalie
-Heist 2x, LVL3 going on 2x
-PACN "Ikaw Pa Rin"
-Barkada
-"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK !"
-Cool Car <3
-Fantastic Family
-Fantastic family dinner bahahah karl hahahahah
-Phil and Lil

Now is the time to celebrate Birthdays and my last month ever at the dorms! Next year = moving back home = lock down. ]; Hopefully not, but most likely..


LET'S DO THIS RIGHT, ZUGEY! bahahahah

MAY

It's May and I'm not as excited as I was a day ago..




I'm starting to do exactly what my sister is doing and I fucking hate that. I hate how she turns down family for friends. I hate how she can try and manipulate an outing or situation to fit her schedule. I hate how it seems as if she cares more about her friends than her family. And I fucking hate how I know I'm starting to do those exact same things..


BOO for the first negative of May..



...and then there's my uncle who has been in the ICU since last Monday. He can't breathe on his own and has two daughters - one my age and the other an upcoming sophomore in high school. I saw him for the first time since I heard the news and I had to fight back the tears. Please pray for him and the family... we really need it