Struggling

Over a chain of events and fighting with myself to continue living day by day, I find myself struggling now, more than ever to stay happy. For a year and a half it was consistent. Negative feedback were seen as positive criticisms, bad influences were seen as experiences to help me grow and taking my life never crossed my mind. I've always told myself that the answer to an addiction was just to refocus your attention elsewhere. In my eyes, happiness was my addiction. It brought the good side of me out, the side I knew I had in me. But now, now things are becoming more difficult. I never imagined the day when I wouldn't be happy, where being happy required trying. It's hard 'cause I don't want people to see this side of me. I don't want to be angry. But at the same time, I can see myself changing. And the worst part... I'm not doing anything about it. It isn't that I want to change, but lately... I just can't seem to find the strength to take that next step. After being happy for so long, I found it impossible to be able to lose yourself. ...until now. I'm lost and I don't know where to go. I saw the disappointment in your eyes and I killed myself inside. I'm angry at the fact that history repeats itself. I'm angry at the fact that disappointment is worse than being upset. I'm angry at the fact that I have to struggle to be happy. I'm angry at the fact that I know you don't deserve this but I'm doing it anyway. I'm angry at the fact that all these emotions and feelings are coming up. But most especially, I'm angry at the fact that I don't know how to deal with this. It hurts me so much to see what you're doing. I thought I was over things, but apparently not. You've tainted my ENTIRE view and you don't even know it. Now I'm just scared.