...Or is it?... Maybe...

It was when I stopped hurting that I became happy. It was when the memory stopped reappearing that I became responsible. It was when the pain became bearable that I started to accept reality. It's only when I allow myself to be vulnerable to the mistakes of others that I become the person I never wanted to be. -- Free write -- When someone cheats, it isn't because the one being cheated on has done something wrong, it is because the one cheating is too scared and weak-minded to be able to say no. When one cheats, the obvious reasoning is that one is selfish. We don't make you cheat. You just don't know what you want. And so while you're on your way in figuring out what you want, we are the ones dealing with your consequences, your mistakes. It's a personal problem. -- When involved with someone, your worth and your value are always a concern. Do you deserve this? Do you deserve that? It's always a question. Was I just another girl to you? Did I make no impact? Did I leave no mark? You were nothing I ever had expected. You were nothing like him. You listened. You respected. You were considerate. You were honest. You understood. -or so I thought you did. Maybe you were just looking out for me. or Maybe you were just looking out for yourself. You thought it was best - but for whom? Me or You? It was a short amount of time and I don't know why I'm acting like this or feeling this way - but it is what it is. Right? You've been aware of the type of person I am since day 1. Don't tell me you didn't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because of the way I see you handling the situation [ if this is even considered a situation ]. It makes me feel like I was almost nothing. It makes me question my own worth, my own value. I thought I was worth everything you came with - but maybe it's just best that you left in the fashion that you did. It was a good ride. It was a good experience - one that I will definitely remember always. It taught me and showed me what else is out there. You opened a new door. You've allowed me to accept others. You've shown me that if just given a chance, one could prove you wrong. You've proven to me that good things DO happen to those who wait. You are my living evidence that... Sometimes, you don't need a rainbow to be lucky.

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Retreat in Big Bear is this weekend. Yay for a car full of AWESOME people! Wsup Manyoucall, Byronface, Jo2theflo, Ishnamedkarl & K_weeezy. We're awesome.
The end.

The storm is passing

Last week's downfall could only be attached with an amazing recovery. Let last week be last week. It's a new week and there's just so much I have to look forward to. The month of March brings a promising recovery... I can see it now. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it but after going to church after more than a month.. I can say that it actually helped me out. I stayed focused, limited my amount of A.D.D., paid attention to the sermon and completely gave myself to Him. All my burdens, all my sorrows, all the pain... was lifted up from my shoulders. Regardless of my major headache, dizziness, ugly cough and throwing up, I felt amazing. "Suicide? What's that?" Has been my attitude since. [: I couldn't have stayed stronger if it weren't for those who loved me, cared, and showed it. Thank You.

On a different note, we decided it was best to call everything off. Mutual decision in a way. [: I'm happy though.. the fish is back in the ocean and the boat is still at surface. I thought I'd be sad when we called everything off, but after talking to Genie and actually realizing that I wasn't, I started to think that maybe... things are just better off this way. It was good while it lasted but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. We're friends and I like it this way. I'm kinda looking at it in way where catching the fish became winning a prize. I see it as a reward for being good all of '08. I see it as if I deserved something AWESOME to happen to me after being treated like shit for long. Hahah it's good and honestly, it makes me REALLY HAPPY. I feel like I can figure things out now. ...Not saying that I couldn't before when we were talking. But now... now that I let that part of my life go.. I can continue to disregard everything and everyone that I feel won't bring me to my happy place. I'm not saying that I want all the negative out of my life.. cause with negative people bring positive experiences. It just depends on how you handle it. Yeah, it's gonna take energy you might not be willing to use but in the end... a negative will attract a positive. And my negative week will bring a positive one... but hopefully it isn't just one but many more positive weeks after that. I believe there's positive. I believe that I'll be completely happy again. It's possible. The storm is passing.

The broken compass

Blurred by my own vision, it's difficult to see. As I struggle to see the beauty I know is there, I can't help but feel my soul lost within itself. My mind, captivated by the sorrows and worries of my past, seem to be creeping up into my future. With my heart still attached to the pain you've put me through, I can't help but to feel as if it were an engraving which you have made that can never be undone. All in crayon, never to be erased. Just like that- you carved your mistake into my wooden heart, left there to always remind me of what can happen if I'm not careful. Yet, pain is an experience that one should always look forward to. Without pain, what is happiness? Without struggle, what is growth? Without disappointment, what is love? Without defeat, what is victory? Fighting until the end. I've allowed myself to be consumed by the thought of my past that it hinders the potential we both have within us. I've managed to build walls tall enough to block out the sunlight and strong enough that it seems even impossible for me to bring down. These walls corner me in; eventually all looking exactly the same impairing my ability to distinguish north from south, east from west, left from right. With my soul lost, my mind blurred and my heart blinded I continue to struggle. Doing this on my own - taking my life seems too easy. The thoughts race through my mind but I start to feel too selfish. Honestly. Don't worry about me. The responsibility lays solely on my shoulders and the burdens I choose to carry. The only thing I ask for, is for you not to feel responsible. This is a personal problem that I've dealt with before and all I want is for you to trust me completely. I might be weak but I'm strong enough to realize it isn't worth my life. I'm holding on. I'm hanging in there. I'm living for those who haven't left. I'm thankful for you and you and you and you and you. All of you have shown me that as lost as I may be... I know I have you guys there, watching over me. Don't think your presence is going unrecognized because quite frankly... I owe you my life, each and every one of you. Again.. don't worry. I'll be okay.. I'll find my strength eventually... just let me do this on my own. I'll find my way... even with this broken compass.

Struggling

Over a chain of events and fighting with myself to continue living day by day, I find myself struggling now, more than ever to stay happy. For a year and a half it was consistent. Negative feedback were seen as positive criticisms, bad influences were seen as experiences to help me grow and taking my life never crossed my mind. I've always told myself that the answer to an addiction was just to refocus your attention elsewhere. In my eyes, happiness was my addiction. It brought the good side of me out, the side I knew I had in me. But now, now things are becoming more difficult. I never imagined the day when I wouldn't be happy, where being happy required trying. It's hard 'cause I don't want people to see this side of me. I don't want to be angry. But at the same time, I can see myself changing. And the worst part... I'm not doing anything about it. It isn't that I want to change, but lately... I just can't seem to find the strength to take that next step. After being happy for so long, I found it impossible to be able to lose yourself. ...until now. I'm lost and I don't know where to go. I saw the disappointment in your eyes and I killed myself inside. I'm angry at the fact that history repeats itself. I'm angry at the fact that disappointment is worse than being upset. I'm angry at the fact that I have to struggle to be happy. I'm angry at the fact that I know you don't deserve this but I'm doing it anyway. I'm angry at the fact that all these emotions and feelings are coming up. But most especially, I'm angry at the fact that I don't know how to deal with this. It hurts me so much to see what you're doing. I thought I was over things, but apparently not. You've tainted my ENTIRE view and you don't even know it. Now I'm just scared.