This problem

I have this problem. My problem is that I don't see that many things worth saving. I'm talking about saving friendships. They aren't worth saving to me. I think I've just been stuck on this mentality where "people come, and people go." If a drift occurs, obviously it wasn't meant to be. If somewhere down the road our paths cross, so be it. I believe in meeting half way... yet, I'm not a big participant in trying to keep the flame from burning? If it dies, it dies. Does that contradict my whole.. 'meeting half way' thinking? I have two sides. One side of me can care too much. The other side of me can care less. There's no in between. I've met individuals who have inspired me and have created their own engraving on my heart yet.. I don't try and save that friendship when things start to part. Is that bad? Or is it that I just feel as if their part in my life, after the lesson is learned, is just over? People come and people go - both instances are blessings. So if both instances are blessing - then one is not more important than the other. Right? In that case, is it bad to see friendships not worth saving? It's sad to watch myself type out all my thoughts and to see how scattered my thinking is. But why are friendships not worth saving? It isn't that those people aren't important to me? Or that... I love them less than those I do still keep in touch with. Why does it hurt to feel friendships aren't worthy?

I drink because that's when I feel as if I can truly say what's on my mind without my insecurities. This is why I drink. I don't drink because it's fun, or it gives me something to do, or it passes time. I drink because sometimes, it's just difficult for me to say things to certain people. When I'm at that good level, everything I think becomes everything I say. However, I've managed to go against all odds. One person following this blog, knows exactly what I'm talking about. I fucked up. Actually, no. I didn't fuck up. Actually, wait. Yeah I did. [If you haven't noticed already, this blog isn't about backspacing. I think and I type.] Shit happens. and well, shit did happen. Lesson learned? Not sure if those are the right words. I learned that I am capable of what I thought was impossible. I learned that decisions are made to help you grow from mistakes. I learned how it feels to not be able to verbally say no. I think the biggest thing I've learned from the beginning of this year to now is how to dig a bigger and deeper hole and not be able to get out of it.


This is my life. Welcome.