Stagnant

The path I was taking since the new year started turned out to be a dead end. Just recently, I've noticed myself in the same position when I figured out it was a dead end. Shoot me. Actually, don't. haa but still ! College is such a challenge. Not just concerning school and grades and your academic future, but it's a fucking challenge trying to find out who you are and who you want to be. I have this image of myself a couple years from now, a week from now of how I'd turn out. But it's simply just an image. It isn't a dream, it isn't a goal, it's just an image. I imagine myself understanding life's concepts, understanding the actions and thoughts of others and having compassion and love for those who hurt me. I imagine myself sharing with not just you guys, but everyone I meet the love that I know I'm capable of expressing. I imagine myself in a world where judgment doesn't reside in the eyes of every person you come across. I imagine myself in a place where the positives out ride the negatives.

But this is reality. Discovering a new flaw every day only brings more questions. Have I always been like this? Why haven't I noticed this before? Why is this bothering me now? I don't understand. I live in a world where you have to fight to stay alive.

I'm standing at this dead end and I'm not moving... at least not yet. Standing here, staring at the wall that lays in front of me, I can't help but reevaluate every aspect that makes me, me. Standing here, I've learned that by the end of the day, it's all about you. As an individual, I've learned to be independent. I've learned that if living isn't enough motivation to keep going, what is? Cherishing a person's company and appreciating their presence in your life is something I've managed to let slip away. It scares me to be informed about all the deaths occurring in only one month. It's scares me but keeps me wondering... who's next? Me? You? Someone you've only met once? Someone you've had a class with an entire quarter or semester but never spoke a word to? Death is a beautiful thing. And so is living.

I don't know how many of you know this and I'm not trying to raise up any more concern, or pity, or anything like that. And I'm definitely not trying to scare any of you. Trust me on this. But I'm not sure if I've told you that I was a suicidal since 8th grade. There have been a couple of instances where I've contemplated 7 out of 7 days of the week and sometimes it's gotten to that point. Don't worry. Don't trip. I'm not a fan of cutting. Not down with the slow pain and the blood and what have you. You can even check me. [: By the start of 2008, that was the veryyy last thing on my mind and that number has dropped significantly. However, there have been instances in college where although it's maaad fun, partying, going out, handling school and whatnot, that have risen that number to the max... of 5-6 out of 7. But there's a reason why I'm still here, still living. It truly is a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and see a new day.

So it got me thinking,
...maybe standing at this dead end isn't such a bad thing after all...