After 4 and half hours of nonstop reading and no interruptions I was finally able to finish reading the book I started 5 weeks ago. Dan Brown's Angels and Demons is epic. Not only did it attract my curiosity starting from page one, but it also managed to keep me on the edge throughout the entire book. Adding commentary of my own, I found myself screaming, laughing, smiling and gasping for air while reading page after page. Well detailed and full of excitement, Angels and Demons surpassed my every expectation. Dan Brown managed to articulate his words to express ideas, thoughts and feelings I never knew how to. He challenged reason and tested faith and revived the presence of God and the church into my life. Although lengthy, Angels and Demons has become one of my favorite books and is definitely a book you should read. It didn't just teach me more about sciences and the church but it taught me how to live; it broadened my understanding of life and it lit the path I should take.
I'm slowly moving away from that dead end.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Stagnant
The path I was taking since the new year started turned out to be a dead end. Just recently, I've noticed myself in the same position when I figured out it was a dead end. Shoot me. Actually, don't. haa but still ! College is such a challenge. Not just concerning school and grades and your academic future, but it's a fucking challenge trying to find out who you are and who you want to be. I have this image of myself a couple years from now, a week from now of how I'd turn out. But it's simply just an image. It isn't a dream, it isn't a goal, it's just an image. I imagine myself understanding life's concepts, understanding the actions and thoughts of others and having compassion and love for those who hurt me. I imagine myself sharing with not just you guys, but everyone I meet the love that I know I'm capable of expressing. I imagine myself in a world where judgment doesn't reside in the eyes of every person you come across. I imagine myself in a place where the positives out ride the negatives.
But this is reality. Discovering a new flaw every day only brings more questions. Have I always been like this? Why haven't I noticed this before? Why is this bothering me now? I don't understand. I live in a world where you have to fight to stay alive.
I'm standing at this dead end and I'm not moving... at least not yet. Standing here, staring at the wall that lays in front of me, I can't help but reevaluate every aspect that makes me, me. Standing here, I've learned that by the end of the day, it's all about you. As an individual, I've learned to be independent. I've learned that if living isn't enough motivation to keep going, what is? Cherishing a person's company and appreciating their presence in your life is something I've managed to let slip away. It scares me to be informed about all the deaths occurring in only one month. It's scares me but keeps me wondering... who's next? Me? You? Someone you've only met once? Someone you've had a class with an entire quarter or semester but never spoke a word to? Death is a beautiful thing. And so is living.
I don't know how many of you know this and I'm not trying to raise up any more concern, or pity, or anything like that. And I'm definitely not trying to scare any of you. Trust me on this. But I'm not sure if I've told you that I was a suicidal since 8th grade. There have been a couple of instances where I've contemplated 7 out of 7 days of the week and sometimes it's gotten to that point. Don't worry. Don't trip. I'm not a fan of cutting. Not down with the slow pain and the blood and what have you. You can even check me. [: By the start of 2008, that was the veryyy last thing on my mind and that number has dropped significantly. However, there have been instances in college where although it's maaad fun, partying, going out, handling school and whatnot, that have risen that number to the max... of 5-6 out of 7. But there's a reason why I'm still here, still living. It truly is a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and see a new day.
So it got me thinking,
...maybe standing at this dead end isn't such a bad thing after all...
But this is reality. Discovering a new flaw every day only brings more questions. Have I always been like this? Why haven't I noticed this before? Why is this bothering me now? I don't understand. I live in a world where you have to fight to stay alive.
I'm standing at this dead end and I'm not moving... at least not yet. Standing here, staring at the wall that lays in front of me, I can't help but reevaluate every aspect that makes me, me. Standing here, I've learned that by the end of the day, it's all about you. As an individual, I've learned to be independent. I've learned that if living isn't enough motivation to keep going, what is? Cherishing a person's company and appreciating their presence in your life is something I've managed to let slip away. It scares me to be informed about all the deaths occurring in only one month. It's scares me but keeps me wondering... who's next? Me? You? Someone you've only met once? Someone you've had a class with an entire quarter or semester but never spoke a word to? Death is a beautiful thing. And so is living.
I don't know how many of you know this and I'm not trying to raise up any more concern, or pity, or anything like that. And I'm definitely not trying to scare any of you. Trust me on this. But I'm not sure if I've told you that I was a suicidal since 8th grade. There have been a couple of instances where I've contemplated 7 out of 7 days of the week and sometimes it's gotten to that point. Don't worry. Don't trip. I'm not a fan of cutting. Not down with the slow pain and the blood and what have you. You can even check me. [: By the start of 2008, that was the veryyy last thing on my mind and that number has dropped significantly. However, there have been instances in college where although it's maaad fun, partying, going out, handling school and whatnot, that have risen that number to the max... of 5-6 out of 7. But there's a reason why I'm still here, still living. It truly is a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and see a new day.
So it got me thinking,
...maybe standing at this dead end isn't such a bad thing after all...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Fourth week
It's already the middle of the fourth week of Spring Quarter. It's the last quarter of my first year in college. I've got 5 more weeks living on my own.. then, it's back to living at home. -_- Lockdown central here I come! Those late night adventures, sleep overs, crazy DC/ Bmod/ Barkada outings no longer! ]; Wah. haah a;sldkj it's okay, I'm trying to look at all the positive sides.. like home-cooked food, my OWN ROOM, a CLEAN bathroom, a car, shelter that doesn't cost anything to live in... you know, some of the things I've managed to take advantage of the last 18 years of my life. Don't get me wrong, I love the freedom "living on your own" has to offer, but sometimes I guess it's just the comfort of a home, your own bed and that home-cooked food that I've missed for awhile now. I know I go home almost every week now, but I can tell my parents miss me and maybe this whole moving-back-home ordeal won't be as bad as I think it will be.
I feel so stagnant.
Who ever knew ranch and salsa would go pretty amazing with a salad? I sure didn't..
Upside to the downer...
I saw my best friend today!!!!! I'm lame and I officially was not awesome for the last two or so weeks. The end. But... my week is lookin up and I'll be rockin that awesome pin in no time. [: Yayy for best friends. I'm so glad I'm the crippled ugly duckling who can't sing. AGH.
Life is looking pretty awesome...
oh and I love Zugey! kbye.
I feel so stagnant.
Who ever knew ranch and salsa would go pretty amazing with a salad? I sure didn't..
Upside to the downer...
I saw my best friend today!!!!! I'm lame and I officially was not awesome for the last two or so weeks. The end. But... my week is lookin up and I'll be rockin that awesome pin in no time. [: Yayy for best friends. I'm so glad I'm the crippled ugly duckling who can't sing. AGH.
Life is looking pretty awesome...
oh and I love Zugey! kbye.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Four years
fourrrrr yearsssssssss todayy!
ohh, how things have changed. sucks that there's walls. wooo for becoming one of thee most insignificant things in each others lives! *note sarcasm. hahaha and to think.. we'd still be friends.
oh well.
FUUUUUUUCK ITTTT!!!!
ohh, how things have changed. sucks that there's walls. wooo for becoming one of thee most insignificant things in each others lives! *note sarcasm. hahaha and to think.. we'd still be friends.
oh well.
FUUUUUUUCK ITTTT!!!!
Getaway
Take me away. Take me to a place where judgment doesn't reside in the eyes of everyone you meet. Take me to a place where death isn't a surprise. Take me to a place where lost hope can be found. Take me to a place where living is bearable. Take me to a place where love can be found everywhere. Take me to a place called home. Take me to a place where I belong.
It's hard to accept the fact that you have to find yourself... again after being to certain that this is where you belong. It's hard to accept the fact that you were happy and now you're not. Finding yourself again shouldn't be too difficult, right? After all, you found yourself before. But what if you don't know where to start?
No matter what I try to do, nothing really seems to work. It's as if that split second, that one car ride, that one conversation ends in a quick minute. I've continuously remind myself that happiness can be achieved, that if I want to be happy again, I could be. And then, followed by that reminder is the contradicting side of me. The side that seems to be gaining control and taking advantage of my vulnerability. The side that blocks the path with that yellow caution tape.
Remember when our conversations would consist more than a "Hey!" and a "How are you?" Remember when a two minute drive would seem like two hours? Remember when we didn't have to say things like "I miss you" or "Where have you been all my life?" because we would see each other every day and not once a week.. if that.? Remember when you knew everything about my life, and I would know everything about yours? Remember when we first met? Remember when our plans would actually go through? Remember when you could tell when somethings wrong with me without me saying a word? Remember our unspoken conversations? I remember whenever I saw you, the only thing I would be is happy. And now... whenever I see you.. well, let's just say.. it isn't the same feeling. I guess I'll just continue our new routine. I just miss this.
Oh college...
...what a challenge you are.
Let's say.. it's all about me now
It's hard to accept the fact that you have to find yourself... again after being to certain that this is where you belong. It's hard to accept the fact that you were happy and now you're not. Finding yourself again shouldn't be too difficult, right? After all, you found yourself before. But what if you don't know where to start?
No matter what I try to do, nothing really seems to work. It's as if that split second, that one car ride, that one conversation ends in a quick minute. I've continuously remind myself that happiness can be achieved, that if I want to be happy again, I could be. And then, followed by that reminder is the contradicting side of me. The side that seems to be gaining control and taking advantage of my vulnerability. The side that blocks the path with that yellow caution tape.
Remember when our conversations would consist more than a "Hey!" and a "How are you?" Remember when a two minute drive would seem like two hours? Remember when we didn't have to say things like "I miss you" or "Where have you been all my life?" because we would see each other every day and not once a week.. if that.? Remember when you knew everything about my life, and I would know everything about yours? Remember when we first met? Remember when our plans would actually go through? Remember when you could tell when somethings wrong with me without me saying a word? Remember our unspoken conversations? I remember whenever I saw you, the only thing I would be is happy. And now... whenever I see you.. well, let's just say.. it isn't the same feeling. I guess I'll just continue our new routine. I just miss this.
Oh college...
...what a challenge you are.
Let's say.. it's all about me now
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Good things end
...so that better things can their spot. It's that chance that everyone is hesitant to take. It's that chance that can either break you or make you. It's that chance that no one really wants. It's that chance that requires waiting. Normally it's not too appealing to those who are impatient with life. But it's that chance everyone should take. I don't know how this topic became the center of my blog, but I feel like I've sacrificed a number of what I thought were amaaazing things in my life. And now.. it's that time that I've always dreaded... it's time to Wait. It's that time to Wait and NOT be oblivious to life as it passes you by. Again, no one knows. And no one ever will. Words can't describe and no matter what you do, your actions will always be misinterpreted.
I was awarded for all those years of unhappiness, with one of the greatest years of my life. Thinking about where I came from reminds me of how far I can go now. You shouldn't have to wait to be happy. Happiness doesn't require waiting. Happiness has no expiration date. Why wait for something to happen if you have the ability to do it achieve yourself? I don't understand.
I'm not acting like I like you, I'm just trying to give you another chance to prove to me that you aren't annoying, that you aren't pulling that fake shit and using me. Giving you that benefit of the doubt type shit...
I'm getting tired of myself. I'm getting tired of hearing my complaints. I'm tired of hearing myself talk about how much you bother me. I'm tired of hearing myself complain about all the vos happening around the world. I'm tired of hearing about people dying. From now on... my only goal: ... is better left unsaid.
Life is amazing & time shouldn't be consumed with things, situations or people who get in the way of you enjoying a gift that can be taken from you at any moment.
Getting rid of everything that gets in the way of me being happy.
Part. II
I was awarded for all those years of unhappiness, with one of the greatest years of my life. Thinking about where I came from reminds me of how far I can go now. You shouldn't have to wait to be happy. Happiness doesn't require waiting. Happiness has no expiration date. Why wait for something to happen if you have the ability to do it achieve yourself? I don't understand.
I'm not acting like I like you, I'm just trying to give you another chance to prove to me that you aren't annoying, that you aren't pulling that fake shit and using me. Giving you that benefit of the doubt type shit...
I'm getting tired of myself. I'm getting tired of hearing my complaints. I'm tired of hearing myself talk about how much you bother me. I'm tired of hearing myself complain about all the vos happening around the world. I'm tired of hearing about people dying. From now on... my only goal: ... is better left unsaid.
Life is amazing & time shouldn't be consumed with things, situations or people who get in the way of you enjoying a gift that can be taken from you at any moment.
Getting rid of everything that gets in the way of me being happy.
Part. II
1000
views?! Whaaat?? Aw, this makes me happy. [:
My classes this quarter are alright. Monday, Wednesday, Friday 1-330. And every other Thursday from 3-450. Blah..!
So, last night was a reality check for me. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be said in an insulting way, but it might as well have been. Talk about mood killer. I know I shouldn't have gone. But whatever. I'm glad I did because now I know. On a positive note, going back made me feel A LOT better.
It's Zugey's birthdayyy!!!!!! and it was Jay's yesterday!!!!!! Wooo for April babies!
Birthday's in less than a month. I can't believe it's been almost a year since my "debut". But I'm seriously not feeling the whole... lets get older idea.
Ha okay, so my teacher just called on me to voice my opinion and the first thing I said was, "Uh. I don't know." BAHHAH Then I pulled shit out of my ass. haha okay. enough of this.
My classes this quarter are alright. Monday, Wednesday, Friday 1-330. And every other Thursday from 3-450. Blah..!
So, last night was a reality check for me. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be said in an insulting way, but it might as well have been. Talk about mood killer. I know I shouldn't have gone. But whatever. I'm glad I did because now I know. On a positive note, going back made me feel A LOT better.
It's Zugey's birthdayyy!!!!!! and it was Jay's yesterday!!!!!! Wooo for April babies!
Birthday's in less than a month. I can't believe it's been almost a year since my "debut". But I'm seriously not feeling the whole... lets get older idea.
Ha okay, so my teacher just called on me to voice my opinion and the first thing I said was, "Uh. I don't know." BAHHAH Then I pulled shit out of my ass. haha okay. enough of this.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
2 out of the 7
The number rose up one.
The past few weeks have seriously worked me. It's drained my mind, my body, my soul, my heart, every inch of every part... drained. I get better... and then I get worse. I get better... and then I get worse. It's like a freaking roller-coaster I don't want to ride. It's like I'm still a part of the team but I'm not. Barkada Modern killed it out there tonight at World of Dance. I honestly couldn't have been more proud of each and every individual than I was tonight. They brought it all... the energy, the swagger, the drive and the heart. Tonight, Bmod raised their own bar, the own expectations. And.. come Fusion and Ultimate Brawl and all the other performances lined up... best believe BMOD WILL WORK.
I love them so much that it hurts that I can't be dancing with them. Sometimes, I just wish it didn't have to happen to me. I stood on that stage tonight - speechless. I felt the floor, I look up at where the crowd would be, I felt the rush of being backstage.. fuck. I just wish I could dance. Honestly, it killed the rest of my night. And I allowed it. I just wanna fucking dance. I want my back to heal. I want my parent's support. I want the money it takes. I want school to manage on its own. I want that extra time to study. I want that extra time to hang out with friends. I want that time to sleep. I want that time to able to just sit and read. I want all these things. But I know that for damn sure you can't always get what you want. Sacrifice is always a price. Being on that stage made me realize what I know I'm missing.
The past few weeks have seriously worked me. It's drained my mind, my body, my soul, my heart, every inch of every part... drained. I get better... and then I get worse. I get better... and then I get worse. It's like a freaking roller-coaster I don't want to ride. It's like I'm still a part of the team but I'm not. Barkada Modern killed it out there tonight at World of Dance. I honestly couldn't have been more proud of each and every individual than I was tonight. They brought it all... the energy, the swagger, the drive and the heart. Tonight, Bmod raised their own bar, the own expectations. And.. come Fusion and Ultimate Brawl and all the other performances lined up... best believe BMOD WILL WORK.
I love them so much that it hurts that I can't be dancing with them. Sometimes, I just wish it didn't have to happen to me. I stood on that stage tonight - speechless. I felt the floor, I look up at where the crowd would be, I felt the rush of being backstage.. fuck. I just wish I could dance. Honestly, it killed the rest of my night. And I allowed it. I just wanna fucking dance. I want my back to heal. I want my parent's support. I want the money it takes. I want school to manage on its own. I want that extra time to study. I want that extra time to hang out with friends. I want that time to sleep. I want that time to able to just sit and read. I want all these things. But I know that for damn sure you can't always get what you want. Sacrifice is always a price. Being on that stage made me realize what I know I'm missing.
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