Closing circles

"It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over."

The Zahir by Paulo Coelho

Blogging

Maybe I'm supposed to take a break from writing down my thoughts in 2009 and focus my attention elsewhere. Where? I have no idea. But it seems as if I've lost my motivation for taking note of what's going on around me. Maybe when the school year starts and I start to see less of my best friend as she goes off to school I'll have more to talk about. This summer's been about work.

Things I want to accomplish before 2009:

- clean room, throw out/give away old clothes, purses, stuffed animals

- find a job & get a taste of some kind of cash flow

- buy a Nikon (Nikon D60 08/01/09)

- learn how to do my own make-up: eye shadow & everything

- Gym membership

- be enrolled as a full time student

- receive nothing lower than a B in all classes

- buy another pair of Rainbows

- shopping: clothes, boots, shoes

- dedicate time to Paul James

- take dance classes

- Disneyland Deluxe Pass

- decorate the walls in my room

- develop pictures from my first year in College

- lose 14lbs

- find another job

- improve my picture taking ability

- keep up with HIMYM season5

- attend competitions, club events, fundraisers, etc

- change/decide on a major!!!

Breaking down

What would happen if I took down every wall I’ve ever managed to put up and start anew?

Something I’ve noticed about myself, is that I like pain. Plain and simple. I’ve slowly accustomed myself to learning the hard way. I think the struggle and the idea of “when is this going to be over” stimulates every section of my body. The pureness of being able to defeat the challenge, is what I strive for. The journey getting to where I envision to be is what keeps me going. I yearn for struggle, I long for heartache, I enjoy pain. Battle VICTORY wounds.

I can see this becoming a definite problem.

I realize that some things, well maybe most things in life are simple; that most times, the answers to our prayers are right in front of us but because we’re human, and because we believe that “nothing is that simple” we pass right by it Him day by day and do nothing but complain that God doesn’t listen to us, answer our prayers or even worse, love us.

Maybe is just that. Maybe I can’t fully get over the fact that someone would die for me; that someone would be willing to get stripped of clothing, beaten, tortured, whipped and even crowned with thorns in mockery for me. It really is too good to be true. Sometimes, I just don’t think I was worth all that pain…so I turn to personal tribulation and pain to try and even things out. No matter what, I don’t think I’ll be able to see exactly what He sees in me. Call me blind, call me ignorant, call me hard-headed because that’s exactly what I am. Every time I set foot in a church after being absent for months, I look at Him suffering, dying for me. All He really wants is my attention and I can’t even give Him that because I’m way too focused on trying to make ends meet — that some day I might suffer just as much as He did so that I won’t feel bad for being so worthless. All he wants is an hour of my day.. just one day out of the seven he gave us. Just ONE HOUR. And I can’t even give Him that. I want to struggle. I want heartbreak. I want disappointment. I want pain. I want to feel what He felt.

But I lay here, on my bed typing this when I should be sleeping and getting my rest for work tomorrow morning. I complain, I contemplate, I meditate — but nothing changes. I’m probably still going to do the same old things I’ve done. I probably won’t go to church with my family on Sunday because I just won’t feel like it. I probably will continue to search for the blocked roads that lead to who knows where. I’ll probably ignore every caution sign there is and just go straight for the gold.

God, I would ask you to help guide me in the right direction. But knowing You, You’ve probably been doing that all along and I’ve just been too stubborn to even recognize. However, this is my plea. I need to rid myself of all these walls I’ve managed to build up. I need to be able to trust people, to trust guys. I need to be able to open myself up and to stop hiding behind this “independent individual” mask that I’ve been wearing for years now. I need You.

I claim to enjoy the pain; but how am I supposed to even get close to feeling an inch of it when everything in me is blocked off with steel walls that reach up as high as the stars. The idea of taking them down is painful enough. Let alone actually getting enough strength to pull through with it. I need You. I want You. You are the answer to my opening question.You would love me & most importantly I would allow myself to let you love me… even though you clearly don’t need my permission. But that’s what’s so Awesome with You. People hate, people torture, people ignore, people turn away, but regardless… your love remains the same. How do you do it?