Back to

..square one.


I found the paradise I've always dreamt of. I found the happy place I was most comfortable being in. After going in circles, encountering deep ditches and mixed up signs I finally found the place inside of me where I knew I should always be. ...And then I lost it. I lost my mind. I lost any kind of feeling. I lost my reasonable side. I became numb.

You encounter Experience with the ultimate goal of defeating the challenge and growing from the lesson. That Experience can either make you or break you. ...And lately, I've been letting it break me all together. I've taken a different route, I've made some ground breaking decisions and I've come to the conclusion that I am no longer in that paradise I've longed to be in. Now... I'm back to square one. But it isn't the same square one as before. It's different. Unfamiliar to the naked eye -- it seeks and kills. I'm back at the beginning not knowing where to start. If only it were easier to know exactly where to start, maybe this whole "finding yourself" ordeal wouldn't have to be so damn difficult. But what in life is easy? Nothing. I know. It's knowing where to start that kills me inside. It's the reason why I'm left standing here. Stagnant and isolated from my own mind, emotions run indifferent carrying with it nothing but an empty and life-less body. Confused and unhappy, making careless and immature decisions to fulfill temporary satisfaction never was so easily achieved until now.

"Why you gotta judge?"
-"Because it's easy."

One of the best come-backs I've heard so far, I must admit. Judge me. I have no problem with it. Show me what I really am. Tell me who you think I'm becoming. Raise the bar of expectation. Lower the bar of expectation. You have the ability to do whatever. But all I ask of you is to not compare me to the person I was. People change. People grow. People learn. Some just take a little longer to realize truth. And others, well others need that extra time to search for their lost keys. I've grown to learn that nothing in life is consistent. Survival of the Fittest -- it's an amazing concept that should be recognized throughout the study of life. I'm at that downward spiral staircase in life where the negative side of curiosity presents itself. Choosing not to take the hand of others who reach out, I feel as though this battle with myself is a challenge that requires only two players.

So forgive me if I come up short and fail to reach the bare minimum. Realize that this is who I am now and depending ultimately on you... choose to stay or choose to leave. I would understand if you left, I honestly wouldn't have a problem. Not saying that you aren't anything to me or that you haven't contributed greatly in the happiness I once enjoyed so freely, it's just... right now, call me selfish but right now it's all about me. As conceited and as self centered as that may sound I need to concentrate on my own development. I need to concentrate on where I need to be. I need to focus my attention and energy in getting that foot to move at least one step forward.

What

What happened to me?

Past vs. Present

This woman was speeding to her parents house and on the way got pulled over. When the police office got to the window he said, "I've been waiting for you." The woman's response, "I know Officer, I got here as fast as I can."

People nowadays seemed to be so focused on being with a significant other. Lately, the need for that someone has been raising the charts. The more you focus your time looking for someone to simply hold the title of a 'boyfriend' or a 'girlfriend' and to fulfill the, excuse my lack of a better word but, 'duties', the more you lose sight of what's right in front of you. Let's all go speed limit --- so we won't have to pay the fee.


With all this talk about boyfriend and someone to have, I can't help but hide the fact that I deep down want that too. Yet, I end up finding myself resorting to the same thinking I want to get away from -- the idea that guys are all the same, wanting the same thing. I know it's bad to generalize the species but I'm sorry.. My surroundings tell me differently. I hate thinking the way that I do. She managed to resurrect the past, the old me, the strong me, the real me. I don't even think she knows it. That simple fact. That simple example of the ideal person I've always wanted to be -- she reminded me. So why am I still fighting? The curiosity level disappeared and I came to terms with reality. I'm convincing myself that they aren't all the same, that they don't all want just one thing. I gave you a chance to prove to me that you respected me. It was just a lie. I was testing myself to see how much respect I had. And I failed to meet the standard.

Can I just say, that it absolutely makes me sad how you silently agreed to to never speak to me again? What happened to the promise that no matter what we'd still be friends? Friends talk to each other. And promises are meant to be kept. It really freaking hurts to be seen as nothing. The mere thought of being a memory you never want to look back on. I guess I have to snap back to reality. People come and people go. You chose to leave so obviously I was someone worth losing. Sweet. There's no point in trying to meet you half way when you've already given up.